We don’t need a ‘diverse’ coronation

Refugees and the NHS, we are told, will be at the heart of King Charles’s ‘diverse’ coronation in May. You’d think that a thousand-year-old institution tasked with steering clear of controversy might seek to avoid such hot potatoes. But there is nothing unexpected about this royal foray into politics.

LGBTQ+ groups will perform at ‘a star-studded concert at Windsor Castle’ as part of the celebrations marking His Majesty’s accession to the throne. A royal source told the Daily Telegraph the coronation ‘needed to be “majestic” but “inclusive” to reflect a diverse modern Britain’. 

Unfortunately, this sounds like another example of the utterly banal EDI (equality, diversity, inclusion) events we’ve become used to in Britain. For all the talk of inclusivity, they appear designed to goad and annoy people like me. Certainly, there doesn’t seem to be any other enjoyment to be had in these joyless occasions. If you’re the kind of progressive soul who likes to irritate conservatives it’ll be a jamboree of sorts. Right now, there are probably teams of such people dreaming up the programme for the day: Sam Smith leads a non-binary choir chanting ‘BBC’ at 3:30 p.m. followed by Emma Thompson reading from The Climate Book by Greta Thunberg with backing from Digga D, etc. 

There is much talk in these reports from ‘royal sources’ that the day ‘is a great and glorious occasion – by its nature it’s majestic’ but that it ‘needs to be inclusive and reflect the Britain of today’. 

Really? This mysterious speaker’s words inadvertently give away more than intended: they suggest there is little that is great, glorious or majestic about modern Britain. At the heart of this attempt at inclusivity lies a blatant flaw: the mistaken suggestion that those from minority groups can’t appreciate history and majesty. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Yet the focus on being ‘inclusive’ leads to downplaying the pomp and pageantry that events like a coronation should celebrate. In their place comes a focus on giving people – particularly those who might be ‘underrepresented’ in Britain – something they’re used to, that they might understand; something ordinary. How offensive.

There is also a whiff of metropolitan snobbery around talk of ‘modern Britain’ or the ‘Britain of today’. What is really meant by this, of course, is London. Much of the rest of the country is seen by some as an embarrassingly backward land. 

But who exactly would object if the coronation was performed scrupulously traditionally? What would happen? What do these people fear so much? More to the point, who on earth outside the grim municipal EDI-riddled establishment wants a funky coronation? 

I’m reminded of the almighty clash last year between the plasticky tat of the ‘Platty Jubes’ – Timmy Mallett on an open-topped bus striking himself with a foam hammer, tunes from Mabel and Elbow – and the solemn, timeless, celestial grandeur of the Queen’s funeral. Were minorities somehow excluded from the latter? Did they need some rappers or a rainbow flag to make them feel welcome? Of course not.

There’s another good reason to keep EDI away from the coronation: it always, no matter how naively well-meaning, brings disaster in its wake. Thursday’s episode of The Apprentice saw this play out in microcosm. 

The two teams were set the task of creating a short cartoon aimed at two- to four-year-olds. Both teams, independently, fixed almost immediately on the idea that this would be about equality, inclusion and diversity. Of course they did. Amusingly, the contestants mouthed the stock platitudes about ‘underrepresented groups’ without even seeming to notice their own diversity on prime time BBC1.

But these dopey, unschooled foot soldiers – Apprentice contestants have never been renowned for their acumen – then dropped a major clanger. Because they assumed – not unreasonably and, like most busy people, not paying close attention to this guff – that EDI is about cooperation, affability, doing as you would be done by, etc. The kind of lessons you always find in children’s stories. 

Wrong! Shazia, the only candidate truly immersed in EDI and all its attendant grievances, got offended. She took to TikTok (where else?) to accuse the other contestants of bullying. Inevitably, the teams both ballsed up the task. Regular viewers will know this is not unusual. But despite this, the teams were, ironically, working together quite harmoniously until big EDI stepped in to correct them. 

As always, EDI was bad news. It opens a door for mediocrities to prey on the gaffes of innocents. It is The Lives of Others reimagined as a personnel department. It is stupid and cruel. 

Much of its triumph is the consequence of the 2010 Equality Act, one of the many, many things the Tories just haven’t quite got round to addressing during their 13 years in power. The Act was the parting gift of New Labour, left (one might almost say planted) by Harriet Harman, in much the same way as retreating armies of occupation leave behind time bombs in a city for its liberators. It has made the country so much more disharmonious and ill at ease, by literally making some people more equal than others (though, thank God, it has inadvertently provided protection against gender, a loophole you can be sure Labour will close). More than a decade on, thanks to the Equality Act, we are in opposite land; ‘anti-racism’ can be racist, ‘LGBTQ’ can be homophobic, EDI is exclusionary – and the media is complicit, scared or just not bothered. 

Watching this episode of The Apprentice, I had a vision of the preparations for the coronation. A phone rings in a repurposed oligarch’s pad west London: ‘Lord Sugar wants you to meet him at Kensington Palace in five minutes.’ Sugar greets the contestants: ‘Listen you mugs. I want you to design the coronation – don’t let the King down, or he’ll look a proper Charlie.’ (Cue uneasy, forced laughter.) The teams decide the theme for the Big Royal Day will be… diversity and inclusion to represent a modern Britain.

The coronation will go the same way as last week’s episode of The Apprentice. Accusations, disputes, emergency training sessions, it will be tainted by this nasty stuff. It will be a miserable affair. The only difference? Nobody will be fired.