Weight watching

Can there be anything more disorientating than turning up at a restaurant to have dinner with someone who has brought a pair of digital scales with them to weigh their food?

‘What the hell are you doing?’ I said, as my friend pulled the state-of-the-art Salter slimline model from his briefcase the moment we sat down at our table.

‘I told you, I’m going to be weighing everything I eat from now on,’ he said assertively. ‘Don’t argue with me about this, I warned you I would be bringing them.’

My friend had indeed rung to warn me that he would be bringing a set of scales with him that evening, but naturally I assumed he was joking. Also, by set of scales I assumed he meant the sort you stand on. I thought the big joke was that he would be weighing himself before and after eating. It never occurred to me that he would be weighing the food. Apparently this is called ‘portion control’ and is all the rage with the more cutting-edge dieticians right now.

I can only think that it works by making fine dining so embarrassing that you don’t dare do it very often. My friend, however, has not reached that stage yet. He seems to be thoroughly enjoying the experience of ritual humiliation. He unpacked his scales from the box and set them on the table. A couple of diners clocked the move and did some disgusted headshaking.

I tried to relax and look at the menu, but it was impossible to have anything like an enjoyable evening with the Salter slimline gleaming menacingly on the table like an unexploded mine. ‘I can’t stand it,’ I said. ‘You’re going to have to explain to me how you plan to use that thing and what exactly the procedure will be.