Why Downing Street still hasn’t named a new Bank governor

Private secretary: ‘The Bank of England governorship, Prime Minister… opposition MPs have been saying it’s a political stitch-up and calling for the shortlist to be made public. Have you had time to look at the file?’

Boris, distracted: ‘Stitch-up piffle! I thought we’d picked my economist chum Gerard Lyons — very sound on Brexit.’ ‘Treasury wouldn’t have him, Prime Minister. They’re trying to fix it for one of their own, Sir John Kingman, former second permanent secretary, now chairman of Legal& General.’

‘And weren’t we going to pad the list with women and, ah, minorities? Like Baroness Wossername?’ ‘You mean Labour peer Shriti Vadera, chair of Santander UK, Prime Minister? I’m afraid she thinks you’re Satan’s cousin.’

‘Oh dear. What does Dom say?’ ‘He says prorogue the Bank till Brexit’s done.’ ‘Terrific. Can we do that?’ ‘No, Prime Minister… Perhaps I should ask the Chancellor? Choosing the governor is nominally his responsibility, after all.’ ‘The Chancellor?’ ‘Mr Javid, Prime Minister.’ ‘Oh him. Cripes, no. He’s had enough limelight this week. What we need are more eye-catching candidates… I suppose Miss Arcuri’s out of the question?’

‘Yes, Prime Minister. But one of the interns found a new name on Google: Dame Helena Morrissey, high-profile pro-Brexit City fund manager, also at Legal & General as it happens, champion of women in the boardroom. She’d certainly grab headlines.’

‘Excellent. Central banking experience?’ ‘No, Prime Minister, but she does have nine children.’ ‘So what? Got a fair few myself.’ ‘Yes, but hers are all with her husband, who’s a devout Buddhist.’

‘Aha, family values. Very much in favour of those, aren’t we? No surrender on that front, eh!’ ‘Er… no, Prime Minister.’ ‘Or perhaps we’d be better off with someone who won’t grab headlines because no one gives a toss what he says these days? Phone Mark Carney and ask him to stay on indefinitely…’ ‘Yes, Prime Minister.