Why the England team is so unexciting

During a riveting session at the Cheltenham Literary Festival with sporting brainboxes Mike Brearley and Matthew Syed, discussion touched on the Ringelmann effect. This is the tendency for members of a group to perform less well together than individually. Old Ringelmann observed it in tug-of-war in the early 20th century. On their own the athletes pulled a big weight. In a team they grunted, grimaced but didn’t pull so much. They were skiving; sheltering behind teammates.

You can bet Ringelmann would be rubbing his hands over the state of the England football team. After a seemingly interminable World Cup qualifying campaign full of the dreariest football imaginable, England flopped across the line for Russia. Victory over Slovenia came in the last minute with a scuffed kick from Harry Kane. This was met with paper planes and bored or departing fans. But it’s the World Cup, for heaven’s sake. Why can’t more people get more excited?

Partly it is the sheer length of this stuff: the fragmentation of Europe has given a load of micro-statelets a qualifying place. England could be drawn against Tierra del Fuego, Chad and the Moon and still just qualify with a chain of dreary 1-0 wins. But many are good players with their clubs. Young Marcus Rashford, once hailed as the future of Manchester United, is a central part of the England set-up. But can he deliver? At Cheltenham an anguished fan pointed out that Rashford had delivered four lamentable corners to the near post against Slovenia but no one on the field had given him the bollocking he deserved. Where were the Shearers or the Bryan Robsons who wouldn’t stand for this rubbish?

When England players pull on the shirt they seem to shrink; in other countries the players seem to grow.