Why won’t Tesco bank let me change my address?

‘Thanks for calling Tesco bank,’ said the voice, before rather lavishly promising to get me to a member of the team who was going to help me.

This wasn’t quite how it turned out, although I would say, up until the moment I asked to change my address I was a very satisfied customer.

If any of these questions did not suit me, I would be allowed to object, he said, as though reading me my rights

This credit card has a very reasonable interest rate, and a nice big limit. However, it has decided that I do not have the security clearance to change my address because I have never logged into its website.

I haven’t felt the urge to. I pay by direct debit and receive a letter each month which is perfectly adequate. When I sold up in Surrey I paid almost all of it off, leaving a bit behind to give myself a credit rating.

I put a re-direct on the mail, changed the addresses on everything I had time to change, then, when I got to Ireland, I worked my way through all my other accounts, until I got to this.

Whereupon I hit a total wall of impossibility because when I rang up they said I didn’t have the security clearance to change anything because I didn’t have an online account. Fine, I said, please can I have an online account? They then embarked upon an interrogation worthy of Mossad in order to get me through enough security so they could start the process of me changing my address by going online.

Three questions were going to be asked, the man announced dramatically. If any of these questions did not suit me, I would be allowed to object, he said, as though reading me my rights.

Fine, I said, ask your questions.