Dear Mary…
Q. My wife and I have an old and dear friend who lives abroad. She divorced her husband some years ago and lives alone. We are both very fond of her and are usually delighted to see her whenever she is in England. My wife has a timeshare in the Lakes which we go to at the same time each year. We often invite guests who have included our friend but from time to time we do enjoy going by ourselves. This year we hoped to do this, but our friend invited herself, making it a very difficult week. Worse, she expressed the intention of joining us again next year — in spite of our pointed hints that we wanted to be by ourselves for once. How, without spoiling a valued friendship, do we make it clear that she is not wanted unless we invite her?
M.B., Warwickshire
A. Write an enthusiastic letter inviting your friend to come to you in Warwickshire for a weekend. Say that you have been planning ahead and since you have decided you are going to go to the Lakes on your own this year, you realise that you must book her in for Warwickshire or run the risk of missing out on an extended burst of her most enjoyable company.
Q. My partner and I divide our time between our apartment in Manhattan and our country house in upstate New York. In the early summer we were invited by our upstate real estate attorney to a large barbecue function hosted by him and his wife at their home. Knowing we would be meeting many locals and keen of course to make a good impression, we took our host some wine and gave his wife a home-made chocolate cake as a contribution to the barbecue party. As it happens, I had placed the cake on a particularly attractive and not inexpensive large plate. When we departed that afternoon, I felt it would have been rather unseemly to have asked for the plate. Since then, however, there has been no sign of it and, to make matters worse, the attorney and his wife have separated. Please, Mary, what is the correct manner in which to secure the return of my special plate without appearing insensitive or petty?
I.H., Manhattan, New York, USA
A. Buy a cake plate in a charity shop, then ring up the housekeeper or failing that, one of your hosts to apologise for having taken someone else’s plate home in error. Say you would like to drop it off in case it is of sentimental value and, at the same time, you might as well pick up your own plate which was left behind on the day.
Q. Mary, your recent correspondence about gaping pyjamas has prompted me to remind you of a related inquiry you handled within living memory. A reader complained that he had a shy friend who would not look him in the eye while they were chatting but instead kept his eyes cast downwards. You recommended your correspondent should leave his fly buttons unzipped so that the friend had no alternative but to raise his eyes and look at him. As you see there are some situations where such gapes can be used to lubricate a sticky situation.
T.W., Oxford
A. That is all very well, but in mixed company I cannot condone the deliberate exposure of what is known as ‘front fur with all the trimmings’.
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