Your Problems Solved | 18 September 2004

Dear Mary…

Q. Interrogatives like ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ are gauche and unhelpful. Likewise ‘What does your partner do?’ or, to a third party, ‘Is your friend attached?’ When, increasingly, the lack of a ring signifies nothing, even among the more mature, perhaps, Mary, you might offer a discreet means of establishing a person’s status.
I.S.W., Inverclyde

A. You can trick people into revealing their romantic status by asking if they play tennis or bridge. If they reply in the affirmative, say ‘Oh great — do you have a partner who plays too?’ If they say no, say, ‘Oh, what a shame. You don’t have a partner, as they say, who likes playing?’ Having ascertained their status you can then pretend you were only inquiring on behalf of a friend who is always on the lookout for people to play with.

Q. At parties which I feel obliged to attend in order to keep up university ties, one particular old friend, who works for an agency famous for managing spunky tweenie popstars, has taken to regaling her audience with endless lame tales of her celebrity encounters, which include her presenter sibling. While eyes glaze over and blank faces stare straight through her, she continues without pause for breath and always fails to ask news of her listeners. Bearing in mind that this used to be my closest friend before I was thrown to the wayside in her chase for glitz and glamour, how does one approach this self-indulgence without appearing envious of her proximity to C-list life? I have grown weary of waiting for this phase to pass.
E.K., London NW1

A. An annoying, but effective, method of correcting this behaviour would be for you and her other friends to cry out ‘Ding!’ with each celebrity name-drop.