Dear Mary…
Q. With reference to the problem of middle-aged women clad in low-slung jeans with thongs akimbo (25 June), perhaps a poem to cure ‘sartorial lapses’ might be more effective?
Published by Ogden Nash in 1931 when he was looking at something very different. A translation into German is needed in this area where most of the women behind their shopping trolleys are hugely pear-shaped — and the first sighting of a G-string last week attracted a long queue at the check-out.Sure, deck your lower limbs in pants:Yours are the limbs, my sweeting.You look divine as you advance —Have you seen yourself retreating?
M.L., Neustadt/Haardt, Germany
A. Thank you. The Ogden Nash reminder is welcomed. Perhaps restaurants and pubs in the worst-affected areas could take a lead by banning thong-wearers from their premises.
Q. Please help me. I am being driven mad by my neighbours. Their garden (v. small) contains a paddling pool, tricycle, trampoline, slide, bouncy ball and barbeque and the children, aged four and two, spend most of their time in the garden screaming. Their parents (and guests every weekend) eat their evening meal (and at weekends lunch) outside, so there is little respite. It is impossible to sit in my garden and I can’t bear to do any gardening. The elder child is presently being treated (successfully) for a brain tumour, so I don’t feel I can go round and say anything. I am single, a university lecturer with flexible hours, and I own two non-barking dogs. Please, how can I get the message across that the noise is unbearable? I can’t stand it much longer.
Name and address withheld
A. I am afraid that, with such a well-equipped garden and toddlers of two and four, even if they tried hard to stop it, your neighbours’ noise is likely to go on for at least six years.
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