Your Problems Solved | 31 July 2004

Dear Mary…

Q. I wonder if I might pass on this little tip to your readers. We have recently had new neighbours move in who keep a terrier, which is locked in the house all day while the owners are out at work. The constant whining and barking of the bored and lonely dog was driving us to distraction, and the new neighbours seemed disinclined to do anything about it. The solution turned out to be simple — laxative chocolate, removed from its wrapper, and pushed through the letterbox. After coming home to a house full of dog excrement for only two days in a row (minimalist decor with white carpets), they made other arrangements. And if you are worried about any allegations of cruelty to the dog, the terrier is now boarded out with a dog-walker during office hours, where he has a vastly improved existence with plenty of company, fresh air and exercise. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
Name and address withheld

A. I was delighted with your tip until I ran it past the dog expert Maureen Osborne, who scolded that human chocolate containing theobromine can prove fatal to dogs, which is why they must eat only specially prepared canine choc drops. She also scolded that the innocent terrier might have sustained prolapse or rupture through his ordeal, to say nothing of a possible beating from his cruel owners. Sufferers from this widespread problem might prefer to take a tip from an acquaintance of mine who solved it by ‘lethargy selling’. She advertised for a dog-minder, called him round for an interview and, slipping him a tenner, persuaded him to knock on her neighbour’s door offering his services and claiming that he noticed the dog was barking each time he walked past with his other charges.