Society

Thursday

Jeremy Clarke

The farcical world of the Sharon’s Ex-Boyfriends Club

Sharon told me once that the best sex she’d ever had was with Tom in the town public conveniences, bathed in that mauve light some town councils install to inconvenience junkies. Which was typical of Sharon’s unsnobbishness and of Tom’s work ethic. I’d met Tom through Sharon. In a list of boyfriends that year that would have taken as long to read aloud as the football results, Tom came after me and I came after Trevor. After Trevor had beaten Tom up a couple of times — my brief contribution to his estrangement from his former long-term girlfriend hadn’t counted for some reason — the three of us formed a

Paul Wood

Why we still need the BBC

My first posting as a BBC foreign correspondent was Belgrade in the mid-1990s. Serbia was led by Slobodan Milosevic, practically the only Communist ruler in eastern Europe not to have been overthrown. He survived by reinventing himself as a nationalist, though he kept the Communists’ secret police. Our secretary was accosted one day by a couple of them, nasty-looking thugs in black leather jackets. ‘State Security,’ said one, pushing her into a doorway. They wanted her to inform on me. If she didn’t, they would see to it that her elderly father stopped getting his pension. She told them to get lost, a brave thing to do. To Serbian State

Dot Wordsworth

Is the Duke of York’s title really ‘untenable’?

‘Nurse! The tenaculum!’ exclaimed my husband in the manner of James Robertson Justice playing the surgeon Sir Lancelot Spratt. I’m not sure I should describe the work of the tenaculum, in case you’re having breakfast, but be sure it holds as fast as a Staffordshire terrier. The motive for my husband’s outburst was the declaration by yet another politician that Boris Johnson’s position was untenable. Yet there seems to be no end of people who keep hold of a position declared by others to be untenable. The other day, Rachael Maskell, the Labour MP for York, tweeted: ‘It’s untenable for the Duke of York to cling on to his title

Joan Collins

My clash with Maureen Lipman

After my Unapologetic Diaries were published recently, I was apparently accused of offending several people. At a lavish Christmas lunch attended by celebrities, stars and a smattering of royals, I was mortified to find that my place card was next to one of my alleged victims. What should I do? Apologise? Grovel? What I had said in my diary was just repeating what a mutual friend had whispered to me about this individual. At drinks, I made Piers Morgan aware of the situation. He hooted victoriously, ‘Finally, I’m not the most reviled person in the room!’ then said he would save me further embarrassment by doing the unthinkable and swapping

Bruce Anderson

A magnificent malt worthy of Burns

The bleak midwinter. Actually, since I wallowed in curmudgeonly complaints about dreich days, everything has improved. Clear blue skies, pleasing sunsets: perfect shooting weather. It is cold, admittedly, but that holds no terrors for those of us well insulated. The rest can wrap up. At least pro tem, we have moved to midwinter spring. In that spirit, over a pre-Burns supper, a few merry gentlemen were discussing humorous verse. Which is the funniest poem in English? A million years ago, when I was slogging through ‘The Knight’s Tale’, a school-fellow alerted the class to ‘The Miller’s Tale’, which follows on (not to be confused with English batsmen). Chaucer obviously felt

The Spectator

After Omicron: there’s no longer a case for restrictions on liberty

Covid-19 is in decline in Britain, with Omicron cases now falling as fast as they rose. The booster programme — which covers 95 per cent of pensioners — has helped fend off the risk of hospitals being overwhelmed. This gives Boris Johnson the chance to say that his plan worked, that Britain benefited from having the highest booster protection in Europe and that we can now repair the damage of a two-year crisis. The great recovery can begin — or it could if Johnson were able to lead. His bizarre decision to self-isolate last week — he was under no obligation to do so — gave the impression that he

Mary Killen

Dear Mary: Do I have to display my friend’s awful painting?

Q. A long-standing artist friend, whose work now commands high prices, has sent me out of the blue a present of one of her paintings. She clearly didn’t realise after all these years that, although I have always been immensely fond of her, I have never been a fan of her work. I am grateful and will keep it in my attic but wouldn’t dream of selling it while she is still alive. My friend now lives abroad but is the sort of person who might suddenly turn up in London with no warning and drop in without ringing first. I would hate to hurt her feelings by not having

Toby Young Toby Young

I got Covid (again) – is it time I got jabbed?

I got Covid a couple of weeks ago. Second time for me, which was annoying because I’d told Caroline that natural immunity provided better protection than the vaccines. She’s the only member of our household who’s been jabbed and began to feel quite smug as we all tested positive, one after another. It didn’t matter how much data I presented her with showing how quickly vaccine effectiveness against Omicron wanes, not least because I couldn’t prove I’d got Omicron. As far as she was concerned, I’d lost the argument. While I was ill I read the following sentence in an article by Ed West, which put the wind up me:

Peter Jones

Boris wouldn’t be the first to be brought down by a party

Whatever the result of Sue Gray’s report on ‘gatherings’ in Downing Street, there is a political lesson to be learned: any excuse will do, even a party, when people are out to get you, as the Roman historian Tacitus (ad 56–c.ad 120) well knew. ad 69: the emperor Vitellius was lying seriously ill when he noticed a mansion with lights ablaze throughout the night. He was told that a ‘lavish, licentious’ party was being held in honour of Junius Blaesus. Critics denounced it and Vitellius angrily agreed (Tacitus commented: ‘There are people on the lookout for signs of the emperor’s displeasure’). Lucius Vitellius, the emperor’s brother, who loathed Blaesus, now

The Spectator

Are tsunamis becoming more deadly?

Stumped again Were England always so hopeless playing Australia at cricket? Since the first match in 1877 there have been 72 series between England and Australia. Australia have a narrow advantage of 34 series wins against 32 to England, with six draws. But measured on individual matches, Australia have a far bigger lead, with 150 victories against England’s 110, with 96 draws. Licence to bill How many households have TV licences? 2011/12 25,226,070 2012/13 25,338,330 2013/14 25,419,300 2014/15 25,507,730 2015/16 25,558,190 2016/17 25,826,120 2017/18 25,836,500 2018/19 25,752,560 2019/20 25,527,840 2020/21 24,837,260 Source: TV Licensing Lethal wave Are tsunamis becoming more deadly? Since 1900, 23 tsunamis have been estimated to have

The Spectator

Letters: Our broken civil service

Beyond the party Sir: Rod Liddle is spot-on in arguing that the attitudes revealed by ‘partygate’ extend to senior civil servants (‘The truth about that No. 10 party’, 15 January). He gets the extent wrong by tarring all public-sector workers with the same brush, which would include all NHS workers, and is not true. What is true is that the attitude has indeed spread in the civil service well beyond the public school and Oxbridge-educated elite. I spent a couple of years seconded to a department of state, trying to make progress on implementing reforms that had been approved by parliament. I failed. I was eventually blackballed for speaking truth

The Spectator

Portrait of the week: Saving Big Dog, scrapping the licence fee and tsunami hits Tonga

Home Sue Gray, Second Permanent Secretary at the Cabinet Office, having been asked by Boris Johnson to look into accusations of parties held at 10 Downing Street, in turn formally asked him about them. Newspaper reports about such gatherings continued day after day, and Dominic Cummings, the Prime Minister’s former chief adviser, said that he had warned Johnson in advance about one for 40 people in the garden on 20 May 2020, telling him: ‘You’ve got to grip this madhouse.’ ‘Nobody warned me that it was against the rules,’ the PM said. The commentariat at large talked of Operation Save Big Dog, by which officials would take the blame to

Taki

In praise of January

Gstaad According to a little bird, Boris has gone from brilliant to bawd, and according to me this village has gone from unlivable to perfect in one easy week. The slopes are empty, the snow is excellent, the restaurants now take reservations, and the slobs are visible but not dominant in town. If April is the cruellest month, according to T.S. Eliot, January is the nicest one as far as yours truly is concerned. The liver has a break, the insect-eating grinning imbeciles have gone back down to the cities, and my brain cells are beginning to function again. It’s only a short break, three weeks, and then the mobs

Luke McShane

No. 686

White to play. Gelfand–Karjakin, Tal Memorial Blitz 2008. Gelfand’s pawn is pinned, and moving the king runs into more checks. But here he missed a surprising shot. What should White play? Email answers to chess@spectator.co.uk by Monday 24 January. There is a prize of £20 for the first correct answer out of a hat. Please include a postal address and allow six weeks for prize delivery. Last week’s solution 1 Qh6! Bxh6 2 Nf6+ Kh8 3 Rxh7# Or 1…Re7 2 Rxe7 Bxh6 3 Nf6+ Kf8 4 Rc7# Last week’s winner Peter Keetley, London SW12

Pabulum

2539: Wider

Six unclued lights (all real words) are the names of 35/26 minus one letter. The missing letters match those that will appear in the shaded squares.   Across 1 Take in fire shoe for small firefighter? (11, two words) 7 Titian’s comb (3) 11 Bum governor newspaper backed (6) 15 Evil spirit with heart of grotty sod (5) 16 Camorrist’s gold lace (5) 17 Last part of game to finish (6, two words) 18 Bard’s ashes left in peace (5) 20 Abhorring PT slack stepdame cancels (6) 21 Capuchin pressing for porticos (5) 27 Palest Greek broods beside Troy (7) 29 German menials in sandals (5) 30 Cyst entered round

Lucy Vickery

2021 in sonnets

In Competition No. 3232, you were invited to retell a news story from the past year in sonnet form. An excellent entry this week included submissions ranging far and wide, from Harry Patch and the Everly Brothers to Alaskan walruses and Jeff Bezos’s penis. Commendations to Josephine Boyle, C. Paul Evans, Dorothy Pope, R.M. Goddard, Douglas Hall and Martin Elster, and £20 each to those printed below. For roofer Charlie Perry and his mates It was a time of Strongbow and cocaine, The chance to nullify decades of pain By getting early into altered states Then watching, with the pride that elevates, As English football claimed a cup again. In an uplifting, patriotic vein They crashed and

Susanna Gross

Bridge | 22 January 2022

Almost everyone has a set of ‘carding’ agreements with their partners to convey information when defending. But I’m always amazed by how many people feel compelled to do so at every turn, broadcasting loudly how many cards they have in each suit, and whether or not they hold an honour. The truth is, the better your opponents, the more they will make use of the information — and the better your partners, the less they need it. I know a couple of professionals who actually ban their clients from giving any signals at all. That was certainly true of the great Rixi Marcus. ‘Don’t give me any signals!’ she would

Pabulum

Christmas crossword 2021 – solution

The NATIVITY (89) of the ACTOR (37) HUMPHREY BOGART (47/13), the singers ANNIE LENNOX (112/12) and IAN BOSTRIDGE (4/61), the prolific BAT (34) ALASTAIR COOK (124/119), the colourful writer QUENTIN CRISP (90/92), the outré TV star KENNY EVERETT (97D/82), the expert at ‘THE PLAYING OF THE MERRY ORGAN’ (16/6/38) ORLANDO GIBBONS (99/1), the film producer ISMAIL MERCHANT (127/62), the mathematician who also watched ‘THE SILENT STARS GO BY’ (128/103/10) ISAAC NEWTON (9/55) and PRIME MINISTER (93A/79) JUSTIN TRUDEAU (66/39) was ‘ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS’ (50D/2A). Christmas crossword: the winners The first prize of £100, three prizes of £25 and six further prizes of Follow This Thread: A Maze

Wednesday

James Kirkup James Kirkup

Are sex offenders exploiting trans rights?

A few years ago, there was some controversy about the facts relating to people in prison who identify as transgender, and the proportion of those people jailed for committing sexual offences. The controversy started in 2018 when Fair Play for Women, a feminist campaign group, analysed English prison service data and estimated that 41 per cent of transwomen in prison were there for sexual offences. This conclusion was debated, often poorly, and disputed, unconvincingly, in several places. Four years on, this remains a heated, disputed topic. To some ‘gender-critical’ people, prisons are where the sex-gender debate becomes very real and very awkward. They are concerned that trans-inclusive policies make it