Builder Boyfriend

Why won’t the police acknowledge that speeding coppers are a liability?

20 July 2019 9:00 am

For a while, it seemed as if the only words my beloved would ever say again were ‘chicken Kievs’. Two…

The builder b and I are engaged in a toilet war

8 June 2019 8:00 am

No sooner had the builder boyfriend finished digging for no good reason in the basement than his attention turned to…

Have I misrepresented the builder boyfriend?

27 April 2019 9:00 am

‘That’s not the builder boyfriend,’ said the luncheon guest as he eyed the builder boyfriend over the table. ‘Well then,…

You should train your man like you train your Labrador

30 March 2019 9:00 am

‘This clean sock regime is really annoying,’ said the builder boyfriend, as he rummaged through his newly inaugurated top drawer.…

The painful legacy of the builder boyfriend

7 October 2017 9:00 am

How reassuringly like old times it is, going to a God-forsaken retail park with Stefano. We mooch about the DIY…

Why they call me Mad Melissa

9 September 2017 9:00 am

Stefano the Albanian turned up in a brand new Audi off-roader, cutting quite the dash. He looked older, with some…

When the builder boyfriend works late, I have to hunt for food alone, like a lioness

8 July 2017 9:00 am

Last night, I had dinner at the M25 services. I don’t mean I stopped for a break mid-journey. I mean…

To cone or not to cone?

27 May 2017 9:00 am

After spending the day unblocking the gutters and drains in the pouring rain, he wasn’t in the mood for a…

The builder boyfriend is an endangered species

20 May 2017 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend has dug himself a hole. I don’t mean he’s in trouble with me. I mean he has…

Was there an invisible chain above the chain I was in?

13 May 2017 9:00 am

Well, there were seven of us in this chain, so it was a bit crowded, to paraphrase a princess. We…

How not to be a model ex-girlfriend

18 March 2017 9:00 am

Someone has given the builder boyfriend an iPhone and things will never be the same. Until now, he has always…

The moral case against building an extension

11 March 2017 9:00 am

If it takes any longer to find a buyer for my London flat I am going to start coming to…

‘Unexpectedly re-available’ is a phrase that speaks to me

25 February 2017 9:00 am

Unexpectedly re-available is a very good phrase. I have often seen it applied to house advertisements and thought how fabulously…

Was it going to cost me £130 or £260 to pee on a red route?

11 February 2017 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend declared himself very happy with his £65 pee. He insisted it was good value for money because…

Is this the most expensive pee ever?

4 February 2017 9:00 am

As if by magic, a sign that I am doing the right thing by moving out of London arrived in…

Will I be the only right-winger in the village?

10 December 2016 9:00 am

‘Right, this is it,’ I said to the builder boyfriend. ‘I am going to knock on the door of next…

I’m far too right-wing for quinoa

22 October 2016 9:00 am

After the Fawlty Towers incident, I decided it was best to research the origin and extraction of all future B&B…

Will I ever find a decent place in the country?

3 September 2016 9:00 am

‘Oh no, I can’t bear it,’ said the builder boyfriend when I told him I wanted to look at one…

How to save on vet's bills with gaffer tape

13 August 2016 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend colicked for a week after eating a falafel kebab as he and I sat up all night…

My horse is a grassoholic

6 August 2016 9:00 am

One look at Grace when I went to get her in from the field, and I knew she had eaten…

I can’t afford to lose another friend to this referendum

9 July 2016 9:00 am

‘Of course, there will be no air quality now,’ said a friend, shaking her head over my support for Brexit.…

The left-wing lunacy of Tooting Honey Toilets

2 January 2016 9:00 am

‘Sadly, the world is filled with apathy,’ said my friend, as we looked at our sad little list of conscripts…

My rich leftie neighbours must be in a state of psychotic denial — or stoned

16 May 2015 9:00 am

The ‘I’m Voting For Chuka’ posters in my rich neighbours’ front windows pushed me over the edge. There is nothing…

Maybe it is time to hang up my fighting boots

25 April 2015 9:00 am

As a wise person once said (or if they didn’t, they should have), there is only one thing worse than…

Farewell, Cobham — oh flat, boring, lovely Cobham; hello, Dorking

4 April 2015 9:00 am

Farewell then, Cobham. You were the place I ran to when the metropolis became too much, and urban life overwhelmed…