Melissa Kite Melissa Kite

Real life | 23 February 2017

Although nowadays I would be more accurately described as ‘expectedly re-unavailable’

Unexpectedly re-available is a very good phrase. I have often seen it applied to house advertisements and thought how fabulously impertinent it sounds, so I am asking the agents to attach it to the description of my flat now that it is back on the market after a right old hoo-ha with the buyer from hell.

Unexpectedly re-available is a grammatical tongue-twister, and a euphemism that manages to be both enigmatic and facetious at the same time.

I also like it because it speaks to me on a personal level. I have been unexpectedly re-available countless times and I wish I had thought of saying so whenever I went on one of those dreadful dating websites. Unexpectedly re-available, due to time wasters.

Well appointed, in good decorative order. Traditional yet versatile. Well cared for and tastefully improved over the years. Now in need of some modernisation.

Since the builder boyfriend went from semi-permanent fixture to permanent yet again — once more ‘on’ after being on-off for more than five years — I suppose you might heave an exasperated sigh and say that, in fact, I am more accurately described as ‘expectedly re-unavailable’.

He sent me a lovely Valentine’s card this year, actually mentioning the word love, although he signed it from him and the dog to take the edge off it slightly.

Earlier that day, I had pricked his conscience by telling him I loved him in a text, after Ellie Goulding came on the radio singing ‘How Long Will I Love You’.

‘Oh! I do love him!’ I thought, as the tears burst from my eyes in a surprising torrent and streamed down my face. So I texted to say so. And he sent a text back: ‘Well, that’s nice, isn’t it? And I love you even though you are a pain in the arse.

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