Ladies and gentlemen — tonight we are going to witness the most hotly anticipated TV debate in history. In the red corner, aged 74 and weighing in at 250 pounds, the reigning champ, the tangerine typhoon, Donald J Truuuuump. In the blue corner, a challenger all the way from planet amnesia, the 77-year-old stuttering cyclone, Joe Robinette Bideeeeen. Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuuuuumble!
Ah, televised presidential debates — exciting, aren’t they? The tension, the massive stakes, the enmity — it’s as close as politics gets to actual entertainment, and people love the idea of them for precisely that reason. Worse is better, these days. We don’t want soaring rhetoric, clashing philosophies, competing visions, Lincoln vs Douglas with brighter lights.