Rod Liddle | The Spectator columnists & writers

I wonder if the moral guardians of our country — the England football team — intend to participate in the 2022 World Cup in Qatar? Most of the players are currently kicking their heels (and presumably missing) in such places as the Turks and Caicos Islands, so they have plenty of time for rumination. Having become, in the words of their manager, a ‘beacon of light’ within a country of savages and bigots, it will be interesting to see if their moral stance extends to boycotting a tournament which is to be held in a totalitarian slave state that outlaws homosexuality and isn’t entirely up to speed on the issue of women. Further — graft, corruption and greed were among the reasons why Qatar was chosen in the first place.

What did the Romans ever do for us?

The mayor of London, Sadiq Khan, is planning to install a statue of John Chilembwe in Trafalgar Square. Mr Chilembwe was a Malawian Baptist famous for, among other things, leading an uprising where the head of a Scottish farmer was chopped off and put on a pole. He is much revered in his home country for all this and his face has appeared on banknotes. In truth, Mr Chilembwe didn’t incite the murder of many people, in the great scheme of things. If the mayor is searching for a murderer who did punch his weight, he could do worse than hoist up a statue of Francisco Macías Nguema, the former dictator of Equatorial Guinea. I do not have the exact figures of how many people he murdered, but it is impossible not to be impressed by his ambition to have everybody who wore spectacles killed.

England had it and they threw it away

England: 1 (Shaw) Italy: 1 (Swarthy cheat) England had it and threw it away. Much the better side in the first half, finding acres of space along the right flank. But the Italian manager, Roberto Mancini, recognised the problem and changed the game. As Italy swarmed forward in the second half, Gareth Southgate had no answer: it was almost a re-run of the 2018 semi final in Russia against Croatia – he cannot grasp when a game is going against him and has no comprehension of what to do to change it. His substitutions were appalling: Henderson horribly off the pace, Saka horribly out of his depth. Two very bad changes indeed. The godforsakenly late introduction of Grealish gave England a new cutting edge: too little, too late, Gareth.

Euro 2020: This game is tailor-made for Southgate’s England

Why the mangling of language matters

I thought that this week I would share with you a bunch of words and phrases which are currently overused and I find thoroughly annoying. The idea came to me after hearing a woman with the IQ of a soap dispenser speaking on Radio 4 about the godawful programme Love Island. During the course of her peroration she continually referred to myself. Not to me, but to herself as ‘myself’. Such as: ‘I would say so far as myself is concerned…’ No, sugartits. The word is ‘I’m’. She is far from the only culprit: myselfitis is spreading rather more rapidly than the Delta variant. So too is its kind of antithesis. Twice recently I have been asked by phone-callers if ‘yourself’ is happy with the service being provided, etc. Why do they do this? Do they think that addressing me as ‘you’ is too blunt? Or is it an attempt to make their grammar more pretentious so that I might afford them greater respect? I have to say, if this is the case, it doesn’t work.

Is there anyone more irritating and stupid than Bobby Gillespie?

Euro 2020: Don’t underestimate the Danes

Italy: 1 (moped riding infant) Spain: 1 (swarthy bull-taunting thug) Spain are not terribly good at penalty shoot-outs. Hell, even England beat them in 1996. And so they lost a match they had dominated pretty much from start to finish. If you remember, I tipped Italy to win this tournament right at the outset — but there are flaws to this side. What you need to do — to state the obvious — is take the chances you create, because with Italy there will be chances. They are a counter-attacking side and invite pressure. If that pressure amounts to playing neat triangles outside the penalty area, then forget it. You need to get behind their backline, missus. You need to frighten them. And so Denmark vs England.

Euro 2020: Another night of terror beckons

The excellent manager of Ukraine, Andriy Shevchenko, is a member of the SDP. The Ukrainian version, of course, but very similar to our own, given that they never win anything. Andriy himself stood for parliament but lost – remarkable as he is the most famous footballer in his country’s history. This makes me like him. We are also four-square behind his country when it comes to their overBearing, criminal neighbour, no? I will buy the notion that the Crimea belongs historically to Russia only if they accept that going back still further, Russia belongs to Ukraine: Kievan Rus! Another night of terror beckons. Clawed wrists and choking on Doritos. Our record against Ukraine is patchy; we find them difficult opponents.

Whiny, polite and beautiful: Kings of Convenience’s Peace or Love reviewed

Grade: A– The problem with Norwegians is that they are so relentlessly, mind-numbingly pleasant. Well, OK, not Knut Hamsun or Vidkun Quisling. And probably not the deranged fascist murderer Anders Breivik either. But then maybe that’s what unrestrained, suffocating niceness does to a certain kind of person: they end up strapping on a machine gun, or yearning for Hitler. Or both. Kings of Convenience are two earnest and very pleasant youngish men who often wear nice jumpers. They come from Bergen, which is as pristine and congenial a city as you could wish for: sharp, clear northern air and wooden-framed houses filled with agreeably plain furniture. Oh, and fish everywhere. Erlend Oye and Eirik Boe were part of the limp-wristed ‘nu-folk' stuff which came out in the first decade of this century.

The political baggage of moving house

Euro 2020: I love Raheem Sterling

England: 2 (Sterling, Kane) Germany: 0 (nobody at all) Well, that lifted the spirits a bit. And coming after the French being evicted by their alpine neighbours, it has meant quite a lot of alcoholic celebration in Liddle Towers. A deserved victory over Germany — who, contrary to popular belief, we do beat quite often. But not often when it really matters. Credit to Southgate. I am no fan of the man, although he seems a decent and likeable chap. But he got it kind of right here. He is still determined to restrict the number of truly creative players (Sterling aside) in the England team to one. In the first half, Saka. In the second, Grealish. Saka faded badly after 30 minutes, at which point England devolved to the pass-it-back thing and we looked wanting.

Euro 2020: Why I hate VAR

Austria 1 (Arnautovic) Italy 0 The laws in my universe differ from those imposed by Fifa. Austria go through, having weathered a difficult first half and then taken control of the game and in the 64th minute won it through a beautiful header from their querulous star, Marko Arnautovic. It was a deserved victory. This is why I hate VAR and all of those other inventions the pencil necks have come up with in order to make football pristine, free of chance and human error and misjudgement, which of course it never can be. They cannot see the wood for the trees. VAR has not eliminated controversy, it has heightened it. In this particular case the video carabinieri pronounced Arnautovic offside. And so he was. By a Planck Length, at best.

Euro 2020: Why I hate VAR

Euro 2020: Wales out-pluckied by Denmark

Wales 0 Denmark 4 (blonde self-satisfied young men 4) The battle between the neutrals’ favourites. Brave Denmark, with their stricken player and heroic travails against the evil Russkies. Wales – a small nation, although not so small as several others in this contest – magnificent conquerors of the Erdogan Caliphate. Here, though, in Amsterdam, they were hammered senseless and the score could and should have been more: Wales are out – iechyd da. Basically a Championship side – Luton Town, Swansea, Cardiff, Bornmuff – gilded by Aaron Ramsey and the gently dwindling brilliance of Gareth Bale. Oh – and Dan James, one of the world’s more overrated players. A winger of the week who glimmers so occasionally that it doesn’t matter.

Keir Starmer’s days are numbered

I think Keir’s had it. This may not discomfort you terribly, I know. Still less the fact that Labour will rummage around in its idiot box and find someone even more un-electable to lead the party. Cheeky Nandos perhaps, or Angela No-Brayner. Someone mental for whom patriotism is an anathema and who finds it difficult to rise up for a moment off their knee, all the while banging together saucepans for the NHS, Cuba and transgender rights. Starmer’s days are numbered because of what just happened in Chesham and Amersham and what is about to happen in Batley and Spen. Sacking his closest ally and election edgelord supremo, Baroness Chapman of Darlington, and then giving her a job to be useless in somewhere else will not stave off the crisis.

Euro 2020: England shouldn’t get too excited

Ingerlund: 1 (Sterling) Czechia: 0 — Croatia: 3 (people with name ending in 'itch') Scotland 1 (Jimmy) A little better, solely because of changes in the team largely enforced upon old Horseface. Jack Grealish started because the hitherto largely ineffective Phil Foden is carrying a booking. Arsenal’s starlet Bukayo Saka was in the team largely because Mason Mount was in quarantine for having hugged a Scotsman (Never do it. Like handling a hedgehog, you never know what you might catch). These two players transformed England and between them created the game’s only goal, for Raheem Sterling. In that first 45 minutes, England looked quite competent, but then sat back on their lead and became the England with which we are more familiar.

Euro 2020: Why England always lose in the end

I am sitting by my TV waiting for the start of England vs Czechia. Why do I sign up for this inevitable disappointment, check my name on the list of the 40 million who think we’re due a trophy, sit down with cheap snacks and then fall asleep? The misery of it. For 55 years. As a ten year old, I thought we would win the 1970 World Cup and ended up aghast and howling. As a 26 year old, I thought we would win the 1986 World Cup. And... and so on. We don’t win because we eschew the talent and stifle the rest. We are the greatest example of why utilitarianism is a flawed credo. Oh, but football. It can still on occasions exhilarate way beyond any reasonable remit. And even make one cry. Denmark 4-1 Russia. What a fabulous game, hewn out of hubris and desperation and team spirit.

Euro 2020: The joy of Dutch names

Netherlands: 3 Macedonia: 0 — Ukraine: 0 Austria 1 What’s your favourite name for a Dutch politician? I always liked Rita Verdonk, because she sounds like a bit of a goer, I don’t know why. But then there’s Wim Kok — the fleeting dream of a penis. How about Lewd Rubbers? Or was it Rude Lubbers? All their decent politicians are either under permanent house arrest, murdered or forced to flee the country. Who’d be Dutch, huh? They’re through, having beaten Macedonia (none of this 'North' nonsense here: Grow up, you Greeks). The first Dutch goal should not have been allowed because it began with a lunging foul on Alexander the Great (or someone) by the Dutch defender Daley Blind. Another great Dutch name, isn’t it? The title for a left-wing newspaper.

Euro 2021: Even Italy’s reserves are looking good

Italy 1 (Peroni, or Ciao, or something) Wales 0 Switzerland 3 (Albanian Gnome 2, Bosnian Gnome) Turkey 1 (Who cares?) Gallant Wales got themselves outplayed by Italy’s reserves but still go through to the next round, courtesy of not being thumped as badly as the Swiss were when they played Italy’s first team. Switzerland will probably go through too – so everybody’s happy, apart from the Turks. And that’s the kind of world I’d like to live in. One in which the Turks are embittered and taught a lesson and everyone else has a smile on their face. The Welsh knew it was about keeping the 'goals against' column down, so left out their excellent striker, Kiefer Sutherland, or something. They defended with the commitment and fury of a Plaid Cymru MP who has just been told that Max Boyce is crap and their national language is stupid.

Euros 2021: England are easily the most boring side in the tournament

England 0 Scotland 0 Hungary 1 (Fiola) France 1 (Griezmann) The wonderful Hungarians almost took my mind off England’s lamentable performance last night and the usual stupid, self-serving, excuses from Southgate. England are easily the most boring side in this tournament. It is remarkable how Southgate has sucked the life out of such talented players over the last two or three years. Maybe we should hand out MBEs for any England player who can score. Scotland fought well and won every fifty-fifty ball – but then England consider themselves above fifty-fifty balls. Matt Hancock would be a better England manager than Mr Waistcoat. The team has taken on his mantle of boredom, of passing backwards at every opportunity, of being risk averse, or stifling creativity, of being glacially slow.

On England versus Scotland

I found this shaggy dog story on the MillwallOnline site, posted by a mate called Life With The Lions. ‘It is just before the start of the Scotland vs England game, at Wembley stadium, in the Euro Championships 2020. Harry Kane goes into the England dressing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum. “What's up?” he asks Raheem Sterling. Sterling replies, “Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're rubbish and we can't be arsed.” Kane addresses his fellow teammates. “Well, I reckon I can beat these Jocks, all on my loansome. Why don’t you lads go to the pub and enjoy yourselves?” “If you’re sure, Harry?” asks a surprised Phil Foden.

Euros 2021: Turkey deserved to lose to Wales

Turkey 0 Wales 2 (Ramsey 45, Roberts 90+5) Apologies to those of you who have been expecting my annual list of the world’s most loathsome countries, which I usually publish at this time of year. Various stuff has got in the way – not least this tournament. Once it is over I’ll get down to work – but as a taster, I’m happy to inform you that Turkey will be right up there, at number one or two. Thuggish, bullying, inept, humourless, Turkey. If ever a football team embodied the characteristics of its government, this is the one. What a pleasure it was to see them comprehensively outclassed by a country whose population is about one thirtieth of their own. This was not a close game (Wales also missed a penalty) despite the jittery histrionics from Robbie Savage.

A breath of fresh airwaves

Euro 2020: Finland and Russia’s less than epic rematch

Finland: 0 Russia: 1 (Zhukov, 45) Following an earlier, epic, encounter between these two plucky teams, Adolf Hitler commented: 'We have only to kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will come crashing down.' He had noted the parlous performance of the Red Army during the initial stages of the 1939 Winter War and thus convinced himself that invading the USSR would be a doddle. We have those Finns to thank, then, sort of, for the Allies' eventual victory. Famously, they routed the Red Army because they had the sense to wear white gear in the snow, while the commies wore green. It was a game of two halves, mind, and the Ruskies won in the end. They won in St Petersburg, too — probably deservedly, a point the caterwauling female BBC commentator also conceded.

Euros 2021: Hungary’s lockdown lesson for the world

Euros 2021: Scotland have exposed the pointlessness of ‘taking the knee’

Scotland 0 Czech Republic 2 (Schick as a parrot, 42,52) Have you ever visited Carlsbad, now known as Karlovy Vary? I’d always had a faint hankering to live there, being hugely enamoured of what we once called eastern Europe, but I’m told it’s full of the most ghastly Russians these days. Maybe Slovakia is a better bet, somewhere near the Tatras. A Hungarian diplomat once asked me: 'What do you call a Pole who speaks Hungarian?' The answer – a Slovak. I like the fact they all hate each other, too. You should hear some Austrians when they talk about Slovaks. The mask slips and they begin to echo an earlier, arguably controversial, Austrian-born politician. Poor Scotland. You’d need a heart of stone not to die laughing.

Euros 2021: Football’s coming home

Match 3: England 1 (MBE 57) Croatia 0 I have no animus against Croatia. Catholic Slavs who think they’re Austrians, basically: not a bad mix. Many of my friends, the Spiked lot – ie former Revolutionary Communist Party – turn puce if you mention the name of the country. My mate Mick Hume, for example, wouldn’t dream of going there on holiday. Ustase! Nazi collaborators! Ah live and let live, Mick. Look at Luka Modric’s mournful little face – how can you not love him? And their islands. I’ve had such wonderful meals on islands named by an imbecile: Krk, Rab, Pag. Horseface left Jack Grealish out but otherwise picked a reasonable side. Further, the knee taking was so brief nobody noticed – I do hope the brevity does not delay the onset of racial equality.

Euros 2020: Switzerland’s superiority complex cost them the game

Match 2: Switzerland 1 (Carl Jung 49) Wales 1 (Carl Jung og 74) Ah, the perils of arrogance and a superiority complex. Switzerland – historically perhaps the most over-achieving international football side in the world, alongside Uruguay – were hammering the Welsh. Mollocating them. This was a case of complete dominance; quick, incisive passing which left the sons of Glyndŵr confused and oafish. They scored in the 49thminute – after which, they decided they’d done enough for the day. These rain-soaked warbling valley dwellers were simply beneath their station, they reckoned – and they became dilatory, lazy, careless. They failed to track back. They gave up on attacking. The commentators – Robbie Savage was the so-called expert – couldn’t see what was happening.

Why did Scotland reverse their decision to ‘take the knee’?

Game One Turkey 0 Italy 3 The start of the tournament and the first game was overshadowed by the exciting news that Scotland’s players intend to kneel, when they play England next week. They had originally not intended to 'take a knee' – thinking it rightly (to judge from their press statements) a pointless and embarrassing bit of showing off. But they changed their mind, presumably after fevered phone calls from south of the border. They should have stuck to their guns: the kneeling has become a ludicrous vanity project for Gareth Southgate and the Football Association. It gets sillier by the day. Needless to say, neither the young Turks nor the more elderly Italians did anything so stupid as to kneel and nor will Croatia on Sunday.

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