Techno deprivation

Every summer my wife and I conduct an extraordinary social experiment with our kids which, if the authorities got to hear about it, could land us in jail. We take them for a fortnight to a remote house in the Welsh borders, take the fuse out of the plug so they can’t watch TV, and force them to entertain themselves using nothing but books, board games and the outdoors.

‘The Noughties Kids are going back in time. How will they cope?’ you can imagine the voiceover to the accompanying fly-on-the-wall documentary asking in the manner of such previous retro-porn, home-makeover, history-light classics as The Viking House, The Victorian Farm, The Medieval Dungeon, The Eighties Crack Den, and The ’Nam Bunker Where Everyone’s On Acid But The Soundtrack’s Fab. (If anyone makes any of the last three — and I think they should — I’m claiming copyright.)

But actually it would be a rubbish documentary because the kids cope too well.They really don’t need Nintendo DXs and 200 channels and Call of Duty 4. A bike is just as much fun. Especially if it’s a Chopper, as we saw when the BBC conducted a similar time-travel ‘experiment’ called Electric Dreams (BBC4, Monday).

Each day for the family is the equivalent to a year of a particular decade, starting with 1970, when they’re not allowed central heating because only 25 per cent of the population had it in those days. Big excitement on Day two (1971), though. Mum and Dad take delivery of a Goblin Teasmade, which means that, instead of going down to the kitchen to make tea, they have the comfort convenience of a machine going whirr, bubble, fshhtt right by their bed instead. Then, a few days later, they get a chest freezer to put in the garage, meaning Mum can feel greatly more liberated because suddenly she no longer has to shop daily for fresh produce.