Your Problems Solved | 3 July 2004

Dear Mary…

Q. I have been married for over 35 years and have four children and two grandchildren and parents still alive. My husband, of whom I am still fond, has been engaged in a long, weekday affair with a friend of mine, which is probably delightful for him, but hurtful and boring for me. I am quite used to allowing him a long rein. I live in the country and he is in London during the week, and the thought of a full-scale confrontation and the inevitable ensuing drama seems pointless and damaging for all who would become involved. However, I am finding it increasingly galling to let them, particularly her, get away scot-free. How can I punish them suitably? She is a divorcee and a headmistress of a smart London prep school. Mary, please help me.
Name and address withheld

A. Why not pop along to the school under cover of darkness one night (or send a proxy) and, using a can of spray paint, deface the school entry-point in a childish hand with graffiti hinting that Miss has a boyfriend (perhaps her initials and his inside a love heart)? This small gesture should be enough to unnerve the couple and take the wind out of their sails.

Q. This really is an emergency. I am getting married in July and my fiancé has absolutely insisted that an acquaintance of his family, who not only gatecrashed his brother’s wedding but also removed my fiancé’s place card so that he himself would have a seat at dinner, thereby leaving (as it were) the groom’s brother with nowhere to sit, should be allowed to attend. For some reason my future mother-in-law doesn’t seem too bothered and is prepared to invite him.