Monday
Am bit confused about Responsible Capitalism. While wanting to Be The Change as always, the new RC guidelines are making the bagel run v complicated.
Not sure the little place on the corner fully demonstrates a ‘sense of responsibility and a moral framework’. On the other hand, the only real alternative is the big-chain coffee shop down the road which is clearly engaged in ‘booster capitalism’. And neither of them would appear to have a ‘vision for the country that connects the economy, society and the environment’.
Asked Wonky Tom for help but he shouted ‘For f**k’s sake just go and get the bagels!’ It’s all v well him taking this devil-may-care attitude. He doesn’t have to produce a report demonstrating Compassionate Conservative Snacking at the end of the month. Nor is he in charge of Snow Photo Ops which is a lot of pressure. It’s not easy getting shad cab members to spontaneously build cute snowmen on College Green, you know. I’ve built five today already. And what thanks do I get? None. Just endless complaints about how I’m making them look too much like Mr Pickles and causing offence to fat people.
Tuesday
Took three hours to get in what with the ice and having to get milk for the frappuccino machine. Went to a series of convenience stores but none of them seemed able to demonstrate that they were practising anything other than capitalism without a conscience. So we’ll have to go without hot drinks. Super pics of Dave in the snow with Carol! Who’d have thought a silly idea like czars would take off, especially after all the years we’ve spent attacking Labour for having them!! Luckily the cameras were off by the time they decided not to have a massive snowball fight because Dave didn’t want to get his overcoat dirty. Coverage everywhere too for our campaign to bring back traditional A-level failures, correctly relabelling thousands of children stupid and allowing our brightest kids to shine! Another snowman complaint. Apparently I’m also making them too white.
Wednesday
Tom and a few others now threatening to stage a wildcat strike unless I go out and buy milk. They say access to continental-style frothy drinks is in their contracts. Told them it’s not as simple as that, we have to consider the implications of our contributing to reckless greed. To make matters worse, Carol is in the office again, making us do sums. I don’t care what 45 per cent of her annual income is, or whatever it is she’s scribbling all over the whiteboard — it’s driving me nuts. As are these Countdown conundrums of hers. Today’s is ‘Nondomiciled’. How are we supposed to get a word out of that? Jed loves her and says we are to have dozens more czars. Announcements soon on Katie Price, our environmental czar (vg); Melinda Messenger, our overseas trade czar; Geri Halliwell, our international aid czar, and Lily Allen, our economics czar. Or possibly, we might switch them all around. It hardly matters who does what exactly, that’s the beauty of it.
Thursday
There’s definitely something up with the shadow shadow chancellor. The whole point of Mr Clarke was that he was going to be both fun and clever. But instead he’s come over all pompous and keeps saying things like ‘I believe in free markets, free trade and globalisation’. Which wouldn’t matter at all, of course, if it weren’t for the fact that there hasn’t been a single picture of him helping children to build a snowman all week. He’s really skating on thin ice.
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