Monday
It wasn’t easy for Dave to come out and say it but he was really brave. Personally, I can’t see what all the fuss is about. We never said we were definitely going to have a referendum. Just that we definitely wanted to. There are a lot of things we definitely want to do. It doesn’t mean we are definitely going to do them. Take our lovely new health policy, for example. Yes, Dave is ‘guaranteeing’ up to £1.5 billion of savings by cutting bureaucracy in the NHS. And of course, in an ideal world that would mean we actually did it. But it is not an ideal world. So it doesn’t. And that, as they say, is grown-up politics. Speaking of which, I must finish drafting a threatening letter to send to the horrid, beastly old meanies in South-West Norfolk. Poor Ms Truss. Dave is furious. Says when he’s finished with them they’ll be begging him to send them a woman who’s had an affair. He’s drawing up a shortlist of transgender, ethnic-minority single parents for them to chose from. Now that’s what I call Special Measures!
Tuesday
Mr Murdoch’s people on the phone again, asking us, in a roundabout (and rather rude) way, to explain our definition of ‘cast iron’. We told them it was v simple — cast iron refers to a large group of ferrous alloys which solidify, but due to their carbide impurities have the capacity to crack and become malleable. So, no attempt to mislead and certainly no fibbing to get the backing of the Sun. And if they don’t believe us, they can look up ‘cast iron’ on Wikipedia. It’s all there. There was some rather unfathomable swearing in Australian but I think they got the general drift.
Anyway, we’ve got an exciting new celebrity backer — Sir Michael Caine, an icon of the silver screen and one of our greatest ever comic actors. He rang up today joking that if he’d known we were about to ‘b—–y ditch that b—–y policy on b—–y Lisbon I wouldn’t have given you my b—–y backing you b—–y morons!’ So funny, such impeccable delivery and timing.
Wednesday
Have just seen a memo from Dave going out to all constituency offices warning of possible infiltration attempts by Labour spies!! We are short-staffed right now (thanks to predatory lobby companies, offering £80k to anyone with a hairband) so we don’t have time to vet them. So exciting! Wonder if there are any in HQ? The new girl on the foreign affairs desk looks a bit shifty to me. If it goes on like this it will get as bad as 2005. Tom is always telling me how dramatic it was with all the breaking into offices… Oops! Not supposed to talk about that. Must get back to my work. Trying to sign up Mr Nutcase, the drugs adviser, to join a Tory panel on improving the safety of country sports.
One thing puzzles me, if horse-riding is more dangerous than ecstasy, does that mean I should do less horse-riding, or take more ecstasy, or both? I’m sure Mr Nutter will explain everything when we’ve offered him a peerage. Hopefully this will also stop him saying all that silly stuff about Dave backing the legalisation of drugs — as if!
Thursday
Once again, to be clear: when we say we might renegotiate to get powers back from Europe what we mean is some powers. Maybe. Or possibly not ever. Honestly, it’s just so soul-destroying having to repeat these basic principles of Compassionate Cast Iron Conservatism time after time. You would think people had got the hang of it by now.
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