1. Flattening the curve
No, it’s not some sort of fat-burning home workout (though these have become extremely popular since the quarantine hit).
Rather, this is about slowing the spread to reduce the burden on our NHS. A flatter infection curve will save the health service from ruin and mean that, when this thing finally tails off, we can all go out to the pub again and stop worrying about our curves for good. Mine’s a pork pie and a pint.
2. The Wuhan Shake
Designed to minimise hand-to-hand contact, these dreadfully awkward gestures have been adopted in business meetings the world over. From serious-looking politicians to sports stars and celebs, everyone’s at it. The problem is, the ‘Elbow Bump’ sounds more like one of those ghastly flash-mob-style dance phenomenons, like the ‘Harlem Shake’. Remember that? Others will simply be grateful that this odd greeting has temporarily replaced the high five (Jeremy Corbyn, I’m looking at you).
3. The two metre rule
The introverts’ dream, the extroverts’ nightmare. The two metre rule is all about avoiding fellow humans to reduce the chances of transmission. In reality, it is simply the practice of being perpetually unfriendly to all those around you. Business as usual then, Brits.
4. Herd immunity
I really hope this one dies out along with the COVID-19 virus. Are we but cattle? While we could be compared to a group of dopey cows aimlessly wandering around the barren fields of boredom, surely we can do better than this. ‘Collective immunity’ sounds a bit too communist. Let’s go with ‘we win, you lose, COVID. Bye forever.’ Pithy, I know.
5. Essential items
Oh the subjectivity of an ‘essential item’! Tea bags? Smoked salmon? A bottle of Malbec? One man’s necessity is another man’s luxury. The Government should think seriously about writing us all a uniform shopping list.
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