The term ‘spinster’ doesn’t seem to scare young women like it once might have. In fact, it is rarely heard nowadays. Instead, women are declaring themselves ‘alpha singles’ and eschewing dating altogether. Influencers are keeping their relationships quiet, for fear that simply posting photos of a new amour can lead to an exodus of followers. Vogue has declared boyfriends to be unfashionable. Women, it seems, are swapping engagement rings for solo travel, matcha lattes and nights spent at home with an LED face mask. Is marriage suddenly uncool?
There are certainly plenty of women pushing this idea. Elle McNamara, a beauty influencer who goes by the name ‘Bambi Does Beauty’, posts advice videos on Instagram and TikTok aimed at other women. They draw on her experience of being single for 15 years and living with her parents in her childhood bedroom, a lifestyle she claims is far better than any relationship she’s had. A self-described ‘internet big sis’ to her 845,000 followers, she shares videos of her elaborate skincare routine, with captions like ‘no one’s son on my roster’. Her main lesson is that while men will let you down, skincare won’t.
In short, marriage has become a political statement. ‘Why does having a boyfriend feel Republican?’ asks one woman in a comment under a dating podcast. The new assumption is that you can’t be a feminist and a wife. This trend is self-perpetuating: as fewer couples walk down the aisle, the ones who do are far more likely to be conservative in their beliefs.
The growing political divide between the sexes hasn’t helped matters, either. Many young women have spent the past decade decrying ‘male privilege’, celebrating the #MeToo movement and declaring that #AllMen are the problem. British women aged 18 to 30 are around 25 percentage points more liberal than their male contemporaries. They seem to find the conservative instincts of young men cringe – and feel similarly about the subset of ‘trad wives’ letting the side down. In Korea, such feeling has reached an extreme point. The 4B movement calls on women to swear off sex, dating, marriage and children. Marriage is seen as not merely uncool, but a betrayal of your gender.
For women raised to ‘live their best lives’, marriage feels like a hindrance because it requires compromise
For women raised to ‘live their best lives’, marriage feels like a hindrance because it requires compromise. Cool girls should be ready at any moment to fly across the world for their dream job or drop everything to attend a bottomless brunch. Marriage, meanwhile, requires you to build a life around someone else. For many young women, this flies against everything they hold true. If you want proof that marriage is seen as a disposable concept, watch the reality TV show Married at First Sight, whose contestants seem solely focused on what they can extract from a wedding. ‘I want the princess treatment,’ one declares. ‘I’m here for me, not anyone else,’ says another. Everyone seems incapable of committing to anyone but themselves.
Most of all, for an increasingly transactional generation, marriage doesn’t bring obvious rewards. In the UK, there are almost no tax incentives for committing to someone. Wedding costs are spiralling and far fewer parents are prepared or able to help with the costs. At the same time, there is less religious pressure to wed (to many, marriage is ‘uncool’ because it’s Christian). In this cultural climate, hedonistic short-term pleasure wins out over long-term commitment.
Take the young woman from America who recently went viral for posting a video entitled ‘Things in my child-free home that just make sense’. The list included ‘sleeping in as long as I want’, ‘enjoying coffee breaks in peace’ and ‘watching cartoons because I want to’. To smug marrieds, as Bridget Jones would call them, these probably seem insignificant. But for the women who have built their lives around such small pleasures, they are non-negotiable. Cartoons are for them, not children.
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