Lucy Vickery

Arty limericks

In Competition No. 2915 you were invited to submit limericks featuring a well-known artist and a destination of your choice. This challenge was spawned by a limerick Robert Conquest wrote about Paul Gauguin:

When Gauguin was visiting Fiji
He said things are different here, e.g.
While Tahitian skin
Calls for tan spread on thin
You must slosh it on here with a squeegee.

Brian Allgar penned this response:

Mr Conquest, your limerick’s cheaty —
Stop writing mendacious graffiti!
In Fiji? What rot,
For the tropical spot
Where Paul Gauguin arrived was Tahiti.

It was a record-breaking entry size-wise and there was oodles of wit, skill and originality on display (though I lost count of the number of times ‘Giotto’ was rhymed with ‘blotto’). The entries below earn their authors £10 each.

In New Mexico, Georgia O’Keefe
Found dry bones, stark sun, and relief
From the Freudian gang
With their thing for her thang
And their eyes on her floral motif.
Chris O’Carroll
On a tour of St Peter’s in Rome,
Van Gogh told the guide in the Dome:
‘Roman friend, I can’t hear;
Could you lend me your ear?
I seem to have left mine at home.’
Sylvia Smith
While staying in Venice, El Greco
Got thoroughly pissed on prosecco.
He told several gents,
‘My talent’s immense!
Look — I’ll undo my pants — take a decko!’
George Simmers
When Hieronymus Bosch was eleven
He boarded a barque bound for Devon.
Said the people of Bude
As he swam in the nude,
‘He’ll end up in hell, not in heaven!’
Alan Millard
In New York there’s a modernist faction
Thinks painting should always be action.
Round here Jackson Pollock’s
A load of old bollocks,
But England’s the home of reaction.
John Whitworth

Had Gauguin sailed north to Hawaii,
He’d have met with a local quirk, i.e.
To comer and goer
The same word ‘Aloha’
Sounds hello-y but can sound goodbye-y.

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