While I am delighted to hear that Poppy Eliza Josephine Johnson, the fourth child of Boris and Carrie Johnson, arrived safely on Saturday, I’d be lying if I said that a small part of me didn’t die on seeing Carrie Johnson’s latest Instagram photos of the last days of her pregnancy. The cinematic shots of little tots kissing her belly, in her immaculate home, were not even the most implausible part of the shoot. Instead, it was the photo of her sitting alone, devoid of any children climbing up her legs or chewing her luscious hair.
One elderly gent witnessed me trying to cross the car park with three kids and yelled from the other side: ‘how are you going to cope with four, love?’
Okay, it was a professional photo shoot, but as a mother of four young children, it is just too far removed from my reality to appreciate. When I was very pregnant with my fourth child, life was no John Lewis advert, it was more like a bad comedy show from the 1970s. When my husband shared the news with a colleague that I was expecting again, she didn’t say congratulations, she just asked ‘do you not own a TV?’ (We don’t as it happens). The whole nine months is a bit of a blur, but one disastrous trip to Tesco stands out in my memory, where an elderly gent witnessed me trying to cross the car park with three kids and yelled from the other side: ‘how are you going to cope with four, love?’
I think it is safe to say that Mrs Johnson and I are worlds apart in many ways – and so our experiences of mothering four small kids will be dramatically different. But here is my survival guide for anyone else who has just crossed the threshold from three to four.
First, in those newborn months where you might have managed to sneak back to bed for a few hours while a grandparent holds the baby, brace yourself for when you return to your brood. Once you finally surface and descend the stairs your life will resemble the scene from Jesus Christ Superstar where wailing crowds surround you, and you might just find yourself yelling; ‘there are just too many of you!’ in the style of Ted Neeley. The newborn screaming in the background for milk, adds to the theatrical ambience.
Second, this might already be the case, but if you go anywhere, like the bathroom, then brief everyone first, including your spouse. If you don’t explain the reason for your absence, you can anticipate the sound of police helicopters whirling overhead after about two and a half minutes, and more wailing when you finally reappear.
Third, trying to leave the house becomes a morning activity in itself, with laughter, brawling and tears – mainly yours. When you finally arrive at the park or the supermarket, you will most likely provide free entertainment for those around you who will either look on disapprovingly or smile reassuringly.
Fourth, cling to your sense of humour. I was recently at a party when a fellow mum, complaining about how hard life is with kids, said to me; ‘but you know when I’m feeling down about myself, I just think of you.’ I’m happy for her.
In all seriousness, it is easy to look at a family of six and see the exhaustion and the chaos. I appreciate that it is not for everyone. But if you are in the trenches right now, with four hours of broken sleep and piles of laundry everywhere, there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
My oldest is now nearly eight and through necessity he is coming to an age where he is a huge help and great older brother to his younger siblings. The school holidays are getting easier as they entertain and look after one another, and having gone through a number of baby losses, I have a sense of perspective which helps me through the hardest moments.
So, congratulations to Mr and Mrs Johnson. Enjoy every moment – especially when life is nothing like a John Lewis advert.
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