In Competition No. 2524 you were invited to condense a Jane Austen novel into a limerick. You rose admirably to the challenge, and, as befits a competition based on the Austen oeuvre, your entries displayed sparkling wit, pithy observation and, in the main, metrical accuracy. (Although some of you are clearly not members of the J.A. appreciation society.)
There was an absence of the ribaldry and innuendo traditionally associated with the limerick form, but the smutty possibilities of ‘Knightley’ proved irresistible to some. Gerard Benson’s final line, ‘And Emma gets her Mister, nightly’, was typical.
There were entertaining contributions from Penelope Mackie, V. Perrin and Gordon Macintyre, while one of Gerda Mayer’s entries has already appeared in print twice. She writes, with commendable honesty, ‘I do so hope this doesn’t disqualify it. I like being published.’ Here it is:
‘Don’t misally yourself, Bingley,’
Proud Darcy said, ‘Rather live singly.’
But the lady thus spurned
Had a sister who turned
Darcy’s head. Darcy wed. So did Bingley.
The winners, printed below, get a tenner each. Merry Christmas to you all.
Mrs Bennet thinks every daughter
Needs moolah and man to support her.
Darcy, though arsey,
Is secretly classy.
Liz thwarts him. A twist. And he’s caught her.
Bill Leith
Romantic and rash sensibility
Falls in love with a fatal facility,
And reliable Sense
Suffers wounding suspense —
But their trials are resolved in tranquillity.
Mary Holtby
A girl who romantically hatches
A scheme for a friend, but the catch is
This friend is intent
Upon someone not meant,
And the moral is: Don’t play with matches.
Gregory Whitehead
The household of poor Mr Bennet
Rang with women all dreaming of men. It
Was like Mills and Boon
Full of witter and swoon —
And none should have bothered to pen it!
Martin Parker
In Bath, Catherine (stars in her eyes),
Finds muddles and mishaps arise.
It’s no bed of roses
Till Henry proposes
And wins her! Wow! What a surprise!
Alan Millard
Marianne, a Romantic confessed,
With a sister who knows she knows best,
Has to practically croak
And then marry a bloke
In an anaphrodisiac vest.
John Whitworth
A fan of all Gothic romances
Miss Morland loved Tilney’s advances,
But, passing some nights
In Northanger, her flights
Of fancy nigh scuppered her chances.
Alanna Blake
The Bennet girls think love’s a game,
(And Elizabeth’s really the same!)
So we wonder how far she
Will lead Mr Darcy
(The toff with the ludicrous name.)
Brian Murdoch
Our Emma likes finding a match
For every young maid on her patch.
Will Emma herself
Remain on the shelf?
Not likely, here’s Knightley. Well, natch.
Noel Petty
Elizabeth B. and her sisters,
A gaggle of charming B-listers,
After sad situations
And mortifications
Wind up with appropriate misters.
Gerard Benson
The breach on that long past occasion
Anne rued as a timorous evasion.
When Wentworth a second
Time round fondly beckoned
She required not a second’s persuasion.
Ray Kelley
Catherine Morland reads gothic romances
Which fill her head full of weird fancies.
They cause her some strife
Till she learns that real life
Depends on true love — and finances.
W.J. Webster
Fanny’s sent to a high-class relation.
Here everyone knows their own station.
Lady B’s simply idle;
Miss B’s blunder (bridal),
But she still marries Edmund. Elation!
D.A. Prince
Five sisters. Jane’s terribly pretty.
Elizabeth’s clever and witty
They deserve to be wed
Which cannot be said
For Lydia, Mary or Kitty.
Jill Green
A blinkered matchmaker called Emma
Makes a mess of each marriage dilemma
But at last, quite contritely,
She marries dear Knightley,
Though he’d been the first to condemn her.
Tim Raikes
Competition No. 2527: You and yours
You are invited to submit an extract from a Christmas round robin sent by a well-known historical figure. Remember: no detail is too trivial and extra points for smugness. Entries to ‘Competition 2527’ by 10 January or email lucy@spectator.co.uk.
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