Could a therapist fix my philandering?

Is it poor little ol’ me imagining things, or are Americans becoming stupider by the minute? I’ve been travelling and running into the species, and I swear that the most intelligent thing I’ve heard recently from a New Yorker is: ‘Like, you know, like uh, you know, uh, like uh…’ This particular moron was talking in a loud voice and didn’t give the impression of having been hit rather hard over the head with a baseball bat. There he was, just another inarticulate and tongue-tied youngster showing signs of early-onset dementia brought on by watching too much television.

Once upon a time, American ‘exceptionalism’ drove the New World’s ascendancy in a number of fields, including the arts. So what happened? It’s a difficult question to answer, but the Gringos seem to be inured to brain-deadening TV and movies, hamburgers, celebrity worship, drugs, anti-depressants, video games, #MeToo-ism and psychoanalysis.

Let’s take it from the top. There has to be something very sick going on when someone is so desperate to belong that they apply, beg, cajole, offer bribes and debase themselves before those who are already members in order to join… a gym. I read somewhere that some fitness centres in the States refer to themselves as wellness destinations, and pathetic wannabes put themselves through extreme exertions in order to join. Back in the good old days, joining a gym was just something one did, but now it’s a status symbol. It is hard to believe the sweat one has to go through in order to sweat. Only in America, as the saying goes.

But why am I surprised? Most of the people one sees in the street are high on pot or stronger stuff. And the few who are sober – or so it seems to me – are in even more trouble: they’re seeking analytic treatment.

There are 106,000 licensed psychologists in the United States, and more and more are applying for licences as the American dream goes up in smoke. Being a shrink has to be the greatest con ever: one sits in a room with a patient who talks for an hour and then pays $400-plus for the privilege. The Europeans may have invented this swindle, but the Americans have perfected it.

There is no proof of its efficacy, according to the great psychoanalyst Professor Dr Taki, and no magic bullet for mental health. The one and only time I was in a shrink’s company was at a social occasion. I had been asked to speak to her by the mother of my children. This was many years ago, and the lady shrink was a friend of Alexandra’s who had mentioned to her my skirt-chasing. We had a pleasant little chat and I admitted to the shrink that I loved my wife and would never leave her, but whenever I saw a pretty girl all bets were off. Just as I said it, she let out a shriek and collapsed on her sofa. Aha, I said to myself; the truth hurts and they cannot handle it. But I was wrong. Months went by before Alexandra informed me that the shrink had collapsed because she had just passed a kidney stone.

Never mind. Some American feminists are calling all that Freudian crap patriarchal garbage, and that makes me feel like seeing a shrink as I can’t decide who is worse, the militant feminists or the Freudians.

But enough about Freud and frauds; trying always to be a bit happier is a uniquely American perversion, as are vulgarity and hyperbole. The things that are in retreat in America are religion and long-held core values. The only value that keeps on growing in stature is money. Children are deemed less important, as is patriotism, especially among young Americans who think individualism and a sense of entitlement are far more important.

No wonder I have not made a new American friend since JFK was in the White House. Back then, victimhood was inadmissible, and people certainly didn’t brag about it, as they do now. Looking back, I didn’t see this coming. Young people today – or so I’m told – are taught to apologise for their country’s history. When I was at school, we pledged allegiance to the flag and took it for granted that we were on God’s side. Now, in places like Stanford University the word ‘American’ is seen as ‘harmful language’.

And good old Britain, once known for its restraint and understatement, is not far behind. Frivolous and absurd human beings are going after Britain’s past with a vengeance. All one has to do is watch British TV or listen to the unfunny vulgarians who pass as comedians. The irony in America is that close to 60 per cent of people who are 65 years or above still believe very strongly in religion and patriotism. Which means the battle lines drawn, at least as far as I’m concerned, are young vs old. That’s something I never thought I’d see because I’ve always loved young people – OK, young women – and at my advanced age I still think and act like a young man. So what is to be done? Consult Dr Taki.