Q. Before going into hospital for an eye operation, a good friend asked me if she could do anything to help when I came out. I thought this was a very kind gesture but I am now back at home and have not heard a word from her. Should I ignore this as pure forgetfulness or mention how surprised I am by her failure to enquire about my ordeal?
A.L., London
A. Do neither. Instead make the generous assumption that your friend is following the etiquette of not discussing illness. Guilt-mongering usually backfires so simply ask her for the help you need without ‘giving an organ recital’. This was the term used by the late Duke of Devonshire for the practice of describing operations.
Q. On the grounds that postage is bound to go up after the election, my husband wants to send out Christmas cards now. Would it be all right to do this, perhaps with notes on the envelopes requesting they be put safely aside in a drawer and not be opened until, say, 1 December?
J.L., Wallingford, Oxfordshire
A. This would be an excellent way of drawing attention to yourselves or ‘raising your profile’, as it is known in some quarters. However, no one wants to think about Christmas before November nor to spend eight months trying to remember that something is in a drawer and that they must get it out on 1 December. In summary, this act of economising would end up by counting as passive aggression.
Q. I am a gentleman of 60 and my Japanese girlfriend is younger but over 50. Like many Japanese ladies she looks young for her age. However, when people meet her for the first time they often later say to me that she is very beautiful. I am not certain from their tone if they are surprised that someone of my appearance and age should have such a catch. I have asked my girlfriend if anyone tells her that they find me handsome. She just smiles. How can I best reply to these compliments which I am not sure are flattering towards me?
Name withheld, Yokohama, Japan
A. Why not wrong-foot these impertinent people by agreeing with them, saying ‘Yes, it’s extraordinary, isn’t it. What do you think could have first attracted her to me?’ Then stay silent as they struggle to respond.
Q. As an etiquette arbiter, what is your advice on engagement presents? Does one take a present to an engagement party, and if so is it a big present? This relates not to landed gentry in Wiltshire but slightly flashy types in central London (I am not the party attender).
D.R., London NW6
A. No, it would be common to bring an engagement present to such a party. After all, your friends will presumably be giving the happy couple a wedding present when the time comes around and this concept of present inflation — as seen at baby shower parties — hails from America. Where social etiquette is concerned, other nations look to England for a lead, and so we should have no qualms about sticking to our guns. By all means give engagement presents if attending a relevant party in America, but otherwise ‘when in Rome’ applies and there should be no need to try to embrace all manner of multicultural etiquette options.
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