Q. Like many middle-aged, under-employed people, I have finally got round to finishing my novel. Being too self-regarding to vanity-publish and not, as some West Country nobody, seeing much other hope of publication, I scoured around for friends from university who in intervening decades have laboured their way to the top of the publishing world. These agreed with alacrity to look at my efforts: then nothing, and reminder emails to no effect. What can I do to get an answer without ruining any hope my work has of seeing shiny covers?
M.C., by email
A. It is a pretty safe bet that none of these people have read one line of your novel. They would have been meaning to for weeks but too great is the deluge that swamps all people in paid work these days. There is also the factor that the succès d’estime is a thing of the past. The publisher now needs to make money from your book. Maybe yours could make them money but they will never get around to reading it unless you invoke the vital tool of presenteeism. Fear of actually having lunch with you, without having read your novel, is the only card you can now play. Invite them to lunch in the best restaurant you can afford near their place of work. Give them short notice or they will cancel nearer the time. They will probably cancel anyway but keep up the invitations and eventually you may get somewhere as they will gird themselves to pick up the novel on the morning of your lunch and may even find they have a liking for it.
Q. An old friend’s new husband is having a 70th birthday and has not invited me. There is no reason why he should as I don’t know him that well, although I have had them to dinner, but not recently. However, I am thinking of having a 60th birthday for myself in November. Obviously I will be inviting his wife as I have known her since we were 14. But am I obliged to invite him also? I have loads of friends and would like to cut down the numbers.
E.S., London W11
A. Please be sure to separate what is correct from what is born of vengeance. Social tit for tats never work. You must do unto this man what you wish had been done unto you and invite him to your birthday. Once fully exposed to you, in the hopefully flattering context of your milieu, he may begin to see the point of you. Who knows — you may be the star guest at his 71st birthday.
Q. My gallery is hosting a show entitled ‘Of Goats & Kings and Other Such Things’ which is opening on the 17 June. The artist is His Highness Maharaja Ranjit Singh Gaekwad of Baroda and I would like to know what to call him and his wife when presenting them to the guests I am expecting for the opening. The whole name is quite a mouthful and I am sure that full correct titles and pomposity would not be required when introducing someone who is, temporarily, in the persona of artist. How can I do this lightly without showing any sense of disrespect?
Indar Pasricha, London W2
A. In order to be less formal, why not jovially introduce their Highnesses as ‘the twenty-one-ers’? Baroda, as one of the five most important Indian states, was entitled to a 21-gun salute from the imperial power in London. Explaining this will impress your guests at the same time as putting them at their ease. Meanwhile you will have shown no lapse of respect.
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