Q. I have been booked to give my first talk on my field of professional interest. I happen to have found out that a slightly competitive friend, with no interest in the subject, has bought a ticket. I fear she knows full well that her surprise appearance in the (small) specialist audience and the cynical expression on her face will be enough to throw me off my stride completely. Mary, how can I ask her not to come without falling out with her? – Name and address withheld
A. Pretend not to know she is coming. Instead outsmart her by requesting the organisers employ a well-known trick of stagecraft. Arrange for you to be brightly lit, while the auditorium is arranged in near or complete darkness. In this way the whole audience will be invisible to you and you will be unable to see any cynical facial expressions. You can gush with fake surprise at the sight of your rival when you come off the stage.
Q. I am in Australia and was therefore excused attendance at the nightmare two-day wedding of a neighbour’s daughter. The mother WhatsApped me a link to view the hundreds of photos on the photographer’s website and I could not be bothered looking but quickly sent back a reply saying how marvellous the bride looked etc. About an hour later she WhatsApped again saying: ‘Sorry, I forgot to attach the password.’ On my return to the UK I feel I will owe some sort of explanation as to why I said I had managed to see them. Help!
– C.F., Sydney, Australia
A. You can avoid giving offence by not exhibiting guilt when you next see your neighbour. Just chuckle mildly: ‘Oh by the way, when I tried to look at the photos and realised I needed a password I was with someone who works in cyber-security. He hacked me in within 20 seconds.’
Q. I live on a mews street in Notting Hill and from my window often see dog owners, not realising they are being observed, failing to clear up their dog’s mess. I make a point of reproaching the dog owner but this usually leads to an unpleasant interchange which ruins my day. Yet I cannot let this very antisocial behaviour go unchallenged. Any suggestions?
– W.F., London W11
A. Even if you are not a dog owner yourself, it would be worthwhile purchasing ‘Good Boy’ doggy bags at 50 for £1 in Poundland on Portobello Road. The next time you witness this irresponsible act, instead of admonishing the culprits as they attempt to move on unnoticed, rush up to them beaming warmly and say: ‘I expect you’re on your way home to get a doggy bag! Don’t worry – I can save you the trip, I’ve got one right here.’
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
Comments