Q. I had the same Spanish housekeeper for 25 years and was devoted to her, and she to me. She was loyal, reliable, fastidious and an excellent cook. She died three years ago and I mourn her every day. I have often wondered how you would have dealt with the one aspect of our relationship which was unsatisfactory. Each morning she arrived at 8 a.m. and went straight into the flat’s guest lavatory, where she evacuated. The smell somehow permeated the whole flat for some time. I always wanted to suggest that she arrive at 8.10, having gone at home first, but couldn’t think of a way to say so without hurting her feelings. How would you have tackled this, Mary?
– Name and address withheld
A. Bear in mind that access to the ‘safe space’ of your lavatory may have been an important driver of her devotion to you. It could have been key to her ability to retain dignity within her marriage. If she lived alone, perhaps you might have given her a weekly present of expensive prunes saying: ‘These are delicious, and I find them such a help in getting me to go to the loo in the morning before going anywhere.’
Q. Someone gave me a box of chocolates which I opened in a flourish after dinner. They had clearly been mouldering in her cupboard for ages, because they had melted and gone into one congealed lump. The giver was very embarrassed and so were some of our other guests. I made the lame remark that we were all delighted as it would mean we wouldn’t be tempted, but I wonder what the etiquette is should this ever happen again?
– I.S., Aix-en-Provence
A. It is bound to happen again. Now that scented candles are over, chocolates have become the present-cupboard standby, and mouldering is a clear risk, especially with high-quality brands with fewer preservatives. The first rule of hospitality is that no guest should ever be made to feel uncomfortable. For this reason proper grandees have trained themselves to burst into heartfelt laughter when disasters occur. Train yourself to do the same when the next box of melted chocolates is unveiled. To witness such a wonderfully Olympian reaction boosts the morale of guests and offender.
Q. It sounds incredibly spoilt but I like only champagne. If I bring a bottle to a house party, it gets opened and shared immediately, and I get at most one glass. I can’t go for eight hours with just one glass. Advice please?
– W.F., London W11
A. Pret sells a chic reusable aluminium bottle bearing the legend ‘Still Water’. Fill two with champagne and take them to the party in your handbag.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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