Problems

Dear Mary: how can I find out the name of a mother at the school gates?

Q. We want to keep on good terms with a potential grandson-in-law but he does not have the right kit. This doesn’t always matter these days, but it mattered when we took him and our granddaughter to our local racecourse. He came in a suit which he boasted he had not worn since school. He was bursting out of it and the trousers were six inches too short. How, without alienating our granddaughter, can I convey that he really must buy a new suit? – Name withheld, Newbury A. You can make an informed calculation about what off-the-peg-sized suit would fit your potential grandson-in-law and acquire one from an outlet

Dear Mary: how can I stop guests waking too early?

Q. I meet a very old and dear friend for lunch on a regular basis. We meet at a lovely family-run Italian restaurant in Charlotte Place in Fitzrovia because it is exactly halfway between where we both live. Over the years it has become rather beyond our means but we don’t like to break with tradition. We have always taken it in turns to pay the bill, but my friend has become somewhat forgetful, and for the last three lunches has said: ‘How lovely that it’s your turn to pay.’ I realise she isn’t purposely making me pay each time, but I can ill afford the extra expense. How can I

Dear Mary: I received a ‘save the date’ – but no formal invitation

Q. Fewer people carry cash. The traditional pourboire is at risk. I am bored with lending money to our otherwise lovely house guests. Would it be unmentionably vulgar to install simple swipe card machines in the spare bedrooms? Please advise, I would be grateful. – N.C., Stanton St Bernard, Wilts A. Swipe machines are not the answer. There are two categories of likely offenders here. One: people under a certain age are often unaware of the custom of tip-leaving. They need to be told. Two: guests who are aware but never carry cash, then suffer from post-hospitality remorse when they forget to pick some up and have to leave without

Dear Mary: How do I avoid my neighbours on holiday?

Q. We have some neighbours who we don’t mind at all – they are perfectly nice, just not part of our friendship group. We have heard they are heading to Majorca, to the same town where we have a holiday home, and will be there at the same time as us. We are now dreading running into this couple out there as it will be difficult not to invite them to our house. It seems very unfriendly but we don’t want to see them in Majorca any more than we do in England. Help! – P.T., Dorset A. Initiate preemptive contact with the neighbours. Convey you have heard they are

Dear Mary: how can I deter the creep at my pub quiz?

Q. I have been pitched into a social dilemma regarding Glyndebourne, which I live near to but don’t go to often. A friend (who lives in Kent) asked me a while ago to be his plus-one at a young person’s wedding local to me. He mentioned he might try to get two last-minute tickets for Glyndebourne the next day (we always go Dutch) but I did not express much interest. Then a neighbour invited me to join him and a couple he knows at Glyndebourne for that same next day and I accepted. Now my friend from Kent wants to still try for a ticket and join our group. He

Dear Mary: is it rude to listen to sport at a wedding?

Q. We live in the countryside, where the door is always open. Last week when it was sunny we had a drinks party in the garden. Despite our leaving a notice on the front door saying ‘In the garden’, most people rang the doorbell (waking up our grandchild and making the dogs bark) and waited on the doorstep to be greeted. I was busy trying to pour drinks and introduce people. It’s not a big house but I must have walked 10,000 steps. What should I have done? – Name and address withheld A. A certain type of person lacks the confidence to proceed unescorted into a household. Next time,

Dear Mary: can you leave a party without saying goodbye?

Q. Often at parties strangers bear down on me looking excited and are then offended when I don’t recognise them. This is because I have never actually met them – they have just seen me on television and made the mistake of thinking we know each other. To say ‘I think you’re confused because you’ve seen me on television’ sounds patronising so I don’t. I then see their faces fall as I don’t ask the right questions and we go up conversational cul de sacs. Advice? – Name and address withheld A. Put them right gently by looking excited yourself and saying: ‘We’ve seen each other on television haven’t we?’ As

Dear Mary: how to rumble a snooper

Q. I like and get on well with my sister-in-law. My problem is that she is incredibly nosy and I always feel she is itching for a chance to go through my private papers. I can hardly lock the room where they are kept, so it means I have to keep an eye on her – almost as much as you would a toddler – all the time she is in our house. What do you suggest, Mary? – Name and address withheld A. Source an A4-sized documents box – the sort that you close with a ribbon. Lay the box on its back and fill with marbles. Tie the

Dear Mary: how can I safeguard my feminist principles at dinner?

Q. My husband and I will shortly be having some South American friends to stay. They come most years and it’s always enjoyable to see them. Our problem is that they never divulge when they will be leaving – possibly because back home it doesn’t matter to them what time guests come and go; they lead a very different life to us, with maids and kitchen staff. For me, if they are here for an extra day it means a dash to Waitrose etc. My husband is always keen I don’t ask them outright in case it looks unwelcoming. How should I handle this? – C.N., Uppingham, Rutland A. Subcontract

Dear Mary: how do I dodge a party to avoid an undesirable guest?

Q. I am on a long, jam-packed and much disrupted train journey to Scotland. In the carriage someone is working on their laptop. But it seems to be a noisy affair. Very aggressive and excited tapping on the keypad so we are all listening to what sounds like a very fast Morse code. But it’s erratic and the ‘return’ button click sounds more like a slap. After an hour it is getting on my nerves because it’s intrusive just when you might be trying to have a kip or read. What should one say? The train staff seem to be bewildered juniors on job experience. – P.R., London W1 A.

Dear Mary: how do I stop my book club banging on about their grandchildren?

Q. At the Ludlow Piano Festival, during a Tyler Hay concert, my husband and I spotted a fascinating-looking couple who were fellow members of the audience. We longed to know who they were and are kicking ourselves that we never found out the identity of this charismatic pair. During the interval we could have approached them but didn’t want to seem pushy or pervy by just introducing ourselves. What could we have said? – S.S., Abergavenny A. ‘Sorry to bother you but do you happen to be a friend of Derek Duck? Oh… he gave us a jumper to return to someone he said would be at this concert but

Dear Mary: what should I do if a fellow passenger is reading porn?

Q. On a recent short-haul flight, I had the misfortune to be seated next to a much older man who read, for the entirety of the flight, an erotic novel on his Kindle. I tried to avert my eyes but the bright screen and lewd language kept catching my eye. I was stunned into silence for the 1.5 hours I was trapped next to him. Should I have said something, and if so, what? – L.R.B., Bristol A. Certain bridge players complain they can see others’ cards – and no doubt they can, but they don’t have to. Equally, lewd language on a next-door Kindle can only be seen with

Dear Mary: how can I help pay for an expensive lunch without seeming rude?

Q. My husband and I (both in our eighties) recently visited a carpet shop with a view to replacing the stair carpet in our four-storey house. The salesman showed us various carpets and we discussed their relative merits. When I asked him how hard-wearing a particular carpet was, he looked at us carefully and said: ‘Well, it is not going to need to be very long-lasting is it?’ We were a bit surprised and will be taking our business elsewhere. But can you suggest how we might have been able to indicate to him politely that this particular form of words was unlikely to secure a sale? – R.H., Cheltenham

Dear Mary: how can I get restaurants to turn off loud music?

Q. My husband never wants to go out to lunch on a day when he could be gardening but he has grudgingly accepted a wonderful forthcoming local event that I’m very keen to attend myself. Now I find from a fellow guest that our host is planning on seating him next to a woman who (she says) is ‘one of his biggest fans’. The feeling is not mutual – in fact, if my husband found out about this seating plan, he would definitely refuse to come. Yet now that I know about this, it would be disloyal and deceitful of me not to tell him. How can I resolve this

Dear Mary: should I encourage guests to strip their beds? 

Q. Our son, 17, who is generally a credit to us, has started eating with his mouth open. It’s the only thing we don’t love about him. It’s not to do with sinuses and we don’t know if it’s a peer-pressure thing, but when we beg him to stop he always just laughs and insists that: ‘Eating with your mouth shut isn’t a thing any more.’ We are fretting because we have some very fastidious Americans coming to lunch who are important potential clients (and snobs). They are bringing their daughter, also 17, and have specifically asked that our son be there too. Help.  – Name and address withheld A.

Dear Mary: how do I politely ditch my hairdresser?

Q. I have just returned from a holiday where I was the guest of someone extremely rich. She was emphatic that everything would be covered and I must not even think of bringing a present. However, after one lunch in a restaurant, I felt driven to make a gesture and quietly asked the waiter for the bill. The sum involved was the equivalent of two months’ rent for me, but worse, no one noticed I had paid.  When the time came, everyone just got up to leave and I realised our host has an account with the restaurant, so she would not have noticed either. How, without being vulgar, can

Dear Mary: how do I stop a nosy acquaintance from snooping in my house?

Q. I’m very fond of a neighbour in our village and we see a lot of each other. She has told me she has got X, an acquaintance of mine, coming to stay and wants to bring her over for a drink before lunch on the Sunday. The trouble is X is a decorator and will ask if she can look around the house. I happen to know that she’s very nosy and indiscreet – but how can I say no? – Name and address withheld A. Why not pretend to be enthusiastic about the visit and then, on the day before, ring to say you are longing to see

Dear Mary: Is it rude for guests to ask for my wifi code?

Q. Do you agree with me that it is very bad manners to ask for a wifi code as soon as you walk into a lunch in someone else’s house? I have a centrally located, although cramped, flat in Soho and am very happy to cook for friends and friends of friends, but it is a tough act to pull off single-handedly and it throws me when people ask for the wifi code as if supplying this is no more time-consuming than telling them where the loo is. Moreover, surely you should not even think of checking your emails and WhatsApps when invited to a non-professional lunch? – P.R., London

Dear Mary: how do I make sure I look popular at a book signing?

Q. A central London bookshop has kindly invited me to be one of 30 authors signing copies of our books at its Christmas customer evening. I feel it would be rude to say no, so I’ve said yes. But I went to last year’s event at that same shop, and saw the excruciating sight of some of my favourite authors sitting alone and unvisited at their signing tables, while crowds were queueing round the shop for Gyles Brandreth. This would bring back my worst childhood nightmares of not being picked for games teams. What occupation could you recommend to pass the time as I sit there from six till eight,

Dear Mary: How can I stop dinner guests squabbling about politics?

Q. How can I prevent my guests from arguing over politics at the dinner table? I have been working abroad for far too long so have taken a house in London next month to give a few dinners to catch up with friends. To one of these I want to invite two couples in particular. Both are good friends of mine, although they have never met each other. I know they would get on extremely well and probably even work together as they are in the same fields – but they have very different politics and are bound to start discussing these as soon as they walk through the door.