Q. I’m the author of 14 books, mostly historical fiction but a few children’s books, all published by a major firm. I find that I sometimes get invited to grand dinners in Notting Hill where I am often put next to a middle-aged banker’s wife. When I tell them about what I do and how hard it is to sell books, they start giving me their advice. It’s always the same: ‘You should really go on Instagram’ and ‘Have you tried TikTok?’. I feel my blood boiling because these are people who have never earned a penny or done anything, and I have no desire to submit myself to a Silicon Valley platform. What should I do?
– S.P., London W12
A. The trouble with being too grand for TikTok/BookTok etc is that you may be missing a big trick. Sales of White Nights by Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen are surging as a direct result of having gone viral on these platforms. You should thank the women pleasantly for their tips. Chippiness is not an ideal mindset to bring to a dinner.
Q. A dear and popular friend, who regularly hosts us at house parties, does not currently have a girlfriend and has developed an unsightly growth of nasal hair. How, without appearing to be revolted by it myself, can I draw this to his attention?
– Name and address withheld
A. Silhouette portraitists, often seen in marquees during wedding celebrations, snip out likenesses in no time. They are surprisingly affordable. Next time you attend one of your friend’s house parties, why not commission one to turn up to add to the jollity?
Q. We employed a local architect to draw up plans for the conversion of a derelict courtyard into a comfortable dwelling, and by the end of the project we had become firm friends. To our slight horror, as a moving-in present he has had an eye-catching plaque attached to the entrance gates with the name of our house in italic writing. We can’t run the risk of removing it, because he is bound to drive past and notice, but it spoils the whole vibe of the place as you arrive. Help us please.
– Name withheld, Co. Cork
A. Others have shared similar concerns. One is tormented by a crochet bedspread, lovingly handmade for her by a devoted cleaner. Another must put up with a 5ft concrete pelican standing sentinel over his freshwater swimming pool. As with the above examples, saying, ‘I like this so much I have taken it to my office/other house’ is not an option. You will have to rise above it and do what you can to fast-forward the ‘weathering’ of the sign.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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