Q. I am shortly to attend a big London party at which I will see many old acquaintances. However, first there was Covid, then I went to live in New York: so while other guests have been seeing each other on and off over the past five years, I have not. I will undoubtedly keep offending people as I fail to recognise those whose appearances have inevitably changed but who will have no difficulty recognising me as I am on television. Mary, how should I prepare for this?
– P.M., London W8
A. Get hold of a pair of thick-lensed glasses – perhaps from a charity shop. Snap them in two at the bridge. Bring these out of your pocket when people approach and show them saying: ‘You’ll have to tell me who you are. I’ve just broken these and I can’t see a thing.’
Q. My three-month rota for doing the church flowers is about to begin. Last year, a newcomer to the parish could not resist making hideous and uninvited tweaks to my arrangements. She disturbed the symmetry of my Harvest Festival display of winter squashes, apples and pears by propping plastic toy tractors on top of them. At Christmas she intertwined tinsel through the holly and ivy I had sculpted around the pulpit. In my youth I had my own floristry business and I used to really enjoy making the church look nice before these interventions. This woman means well and I would never want to risk losing a member of the congregation by causing some kind of offence. Is there any way around this?
– Name and address withheld
A. Why not enter the National Floristry Association’s FleurEx competition for amateur flower arrangers? Tell all your fellow parishioners that you are going to be submitting photographs of your various arrangements, including your church decorations – and as you will have to promise that the displays are all your own work, no matter how bad they think your efforts are, would they mind not being tempted to improve them?
Q. This is a tip for readers. We went to a party recently where a live band played amazing music. As dinner came to an end you could tell everyone was itching to get up but no one wanted to be the first on to the adjacent dance floor. Then a couple of guests, who none of us knew, got up and began dancing very badly and ostentatiously. This prompted everyone else to follow without feeling embarrassed as we knew we could do better. Later I discovered that our clever host had anticipated this shyness and had employed two out-of-work actors.
– A.E., Pewsey, Wiltshire
A. How thoughtful of you to share this tip.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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