Q. I am on a long, jam-packed and much disrupted train journey to Scotland. In the carriage someone is working on their laptop. But it seems to be a noisy affair. Very aggressive and excited tapping on the keypad so we are all listening to what sounds like a very fast Morse code. But it’s erratic and the ‘return’ button click sounds more like a slap. After an hour it is getting on my nerves because it’s intrusive just when you might be trying to have a kip or read. What should one say? The train staff seem to be bewildered juniors on job experience. – P.R., London W1
A. One of the benefits of working in an office is that all the world’s a stage, while working from home means no audience and self-motivation becomes hard. This is why some people working from trains make noisy business calls and fail to silence their keyboards; the train may be their only chance of recognition. No one wants to confront a passenger behaving in an antisocial way in case they are mad or violent. The best thing is to ask the train manager to make an announcement via tannoy, such as: ‘Would all passengers in carriage B please silence the keyboards on their laptops to avoid disturbing others.’ (For those readers who don’t know how to do this: go to settings, devices, typing, and then turn off ‘play key sounds as I type’).
Q. I have received an invitation to a small drinks party in a couple of weeks’ time which I have accepted. I have now found out that another guest will be present who for various reasons I very much do not want to see. I am hoping you can respond quickly with an excuse as to why I am now unable to attend – time is of the essence.
– Name and address withheld
A. Send your host a message saying you have your cousin/a friend staying with you the night of the party and would it be possible to bring him too? Make sure the date you give is the day before or after the party. When your host corrects you, you will be able to say: ‘Oh no. How could I have got that wrong? I’m afraid I can’t come if it’s the Saturday.’
Q. All my ordinary casual shirts have got horribly worn out, tattered and torn. Would it seem stuffy and pompous if I started wearing my well-preserved old cufflinked shirts all day long for the next few years to see me out?
A.B., W8
A. Have no qualms. Cufflinks, worn with your double-cuffed shirts when you are gardening, taking out the rubbish or buying fish and chips, would surely entertain and delight most of your friends, family and neighbours?
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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