Q. We love having friends to stay at our house in Cornwall. One particular guest has the habit of arriving with the contents of her fridge, which she crams into mine. This can range from a two litre bottle of milk with enough left in it for a cup of tea, to a pot of half-eaten hummus which has had its lid replaced by a piece of crumpled foil, to a half-eaten pack of blueberries which are going mouldy. My fridge is already full with the meals I have planned and I simply don’t want her unhygienic produce. How can I stop her doing this?
– Name and address withheld
A. Many of us are hard-wired not to waste food which is still within its use-by date. Those who bring such ‘contributions’ have not thought through how unwelcome the offerings will be. Bring such guests to their senses by setting up a table outside the house with a notice advertising ‘Free unwanted food. Please help yourself.’ Pleasantly redirect the gift bearers to the table and away from your fridge, enthusing that you are sure some passers-by will be grateful.
Q. Last month, a couple from an agency came and house-sat while we went to our second home in the Pyrenees. We have booked them to return for the whole of September when we go back there. When we got home a couple of weeks ago I was rather appalled to see that they had stripped our fruit and vegetable garden like locusts. I don’t want the same thing to happen again, but my husband says it would be churlish to ask them not to pick anything. I’m hoping you will come up with a plan for me.
– H.S., Exeter
A. Explain to your housesitters that you are entering a local ‘Autumn Abundant Garden’ competition which takes place shortly after your return. For this reason you want to retain as much produce as possible in the garden. Could they discourage any neighbours who call at the house asking if they can help themselves to fruit or vegetables and tell them you cannot spare even an apple as everything is needed for the display. They will realise the diktat also applies to them but won’t take it personally.
Q. I am in the very early stages of pregnancy but don’t want to publicise this yet. How do I avoid being rumbled, as I almost certainly will be when friends see I’m not drinking?
– Name and address withheld
A. Use sleight of hand by drinking Nozeco at home while serving your guests prosecco. When out, ask for alcohol-free wine or beer on the grounds that you are hungover. This will quickly satisfy the keen drinkers in your friendship group and they will think no more about it.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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