Q. Some friends of ours have an amazing house on the coast in Kenya. Every time we see them they are guaranteed to say ‘You must come to stay, you’d love it’ or something similar. No dates are ever forthcoming but we have decided we’d actually quite like to go this winter. How can we tie them down without making them feel pressurised by our having suggested dates?
– Name and address withheld
A. Choose the dates which suit you, then contact them to say you are thinking of going to, for example, Tanzania, or other likely adjacent spot around that time. Is there any chance you could come to stay either before or afterwards? In this way they will feel much less responsible for your having a great time as the pressure will be halved, and they will be delighted to receive you. It will in any case focus their minds so if they genuinely can’t have you at the preferred time they will be prompted to set alternative dates in stone.
Q. I see a lot of a woman who lives near me and I like her, but she has a terrible habit of dropping into my house without ringing first. It clearly has not crossed her mind that it could be anything other than jolly for me to have her turning up out of the blue shouting my name when I’m alone. I don’t want to have to start locking up. Neither do I want to make her feel she has been insensitive. So how can I tactfully ask her to stop?
– Name withheld, Berkshire
A. Seize this opportunity to begin a course of non-crank meditation such as mindfulness – which will do you no harm and can be done online from home. Gush how excited you are about starting the course, then say to the offender: ‘By the way, I’m asking everyone to ring first if they are planning to drop in.’ Say that otherwise they could disturb your ‘trance’.
Q. Twice recently my husband and I have been made to stand up listening to speeches lasting more than 40 minutes. On one occasion it was at the opening of an art exhibition, on another at a birthday event. It beggars belief that the organisers should be so selfish. Mary, is it ever acceptable to interrupt a speech to ask that, for the sake of those with bad backs, they speed things up a bit – and if so, how does one do this tactfully?
– P.B., London SW11
A. No one likes long speeches unless they are sitting. However, there is no point interrupting if there are no seats available. It’s simpler to equip yourself to deal with the selfishness by travelling with a ‘Flipstick’ foldaway adjustable seat stick, which has a handle that turns into a seat. Risemobility.co.uk has one for £69.95.
Write to Dear Mary at dearmary@spectator.co.uk
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