Dear Mary: I received a ‘save the date’ – but no formal invitation

Q. Fewer people carry cash. The traditional pourboire is at risk. I am bored with lending money to our otherwise lovely house guests. Would it be unmentionably vulgar to install simple swipe card machines in the spare bedrooms? Please advise, I would be grateful.

– N.C., Stanton St Bernard, Wilts

A. Swipe machines are not the answer. There are two categories of likely offenders here. One: people under a certain age are often unaware of the custom of tip-leaving. They need to be told. Two: guests who are aware but never carry cash, then suffer from post-hospitality remorse when they forget to pick some up and have to leave without paying their dues. It would be kinder to both categories to say – when firming up – something along the lines of: ‘Oh by the way, our nearest cash machine is now 15 miles away (exaggerate) so don’t forget to stock up before you come as it’s such a bore having to go out for it on the day you are leaving.’

Q. My husband and I recently hosted a joint 60th birthday party in our garden. We specifically wrote ‘no presents’ on the email invitation, yet many friends still generously bought presents. To our horror we discovered that our three-year-old grandchild found the stack of gifts during the party, unwrapped them and muddled all the labels and cards. We are at a loss how to thank anyone for these lovely things without shaming friends who obeyed our instructions and arrived empty-handed. What do we do?

– P.K., London W2

A. Send a light-hearted message to the group thanking everyone for coming and telling the anecdote of your grandchild being found happily sitting amid a muddle of wrapping paper and disconnected cards. Say most of the presents were from your immediate family but there were a ‘few’ (no need to mention a ‘stack’), clearly given by guests ‘who had not noticed the no-presents diktat!’.