Dear Mary solves problems for Nicky Haslam, Nigel Slater, Professor Mary Beard and others

From Nicky Haslam

Q. Being considered something of a guru on the subject of things common, can you advise me how to finesse the host or hostess who asks, challengingly, ‘I suppose you think my twinkling decorations/strings of cards/mulled wine/sushi/antler headband/children are terribly common?’ A wan smile won’t suffice.

A. Say, ‘Yes I do. You’re so clever to be in the vanguard. Common is the new chic.’

From Nigel Slater
Q. With each passing year (I am nearly 60, for heaven’s sake), I am finding it increasingly difficult to lie convincingly. This is a particular problem when unwrapping presents. The grateful words flow from my lips like warm jam from a spoon but what appears on my face is ‘Seriously, how could you?’ Do you have any suggestions as to how I can make my facial expression match my words? I hate to appear ungrateful.

A. This problem may be relieved with the easy expedient of alcohol. There is a reason people drink fizzy wines during the festive season — they produce a mild euphoria which masks the sense of disappointment which so often accompanies the opening of gifts. Simply ensure that you and your guests have imbibed at least two glasses before unwrapping anything. Teetotallers may like to watch Carry On films, or short clips of Terry Thomas or Tommy Cooper, before opening their presents in public.

From Professor Mary Beard
Q. I’m having a bit of trouble in the office. Where I work we teach both the ancient Greeks and the Romans. I have always been a Roman girl myself. Never mind some of their nastier sides (OK, none of us would have fancied a long day in the Colosseum), the Romans really do have so much more going for them.