Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 1 August 2009

Monday

I’m so enjoying The New Politics! The whole atmosphere of Newness everywhere and the feeling of everything and everyone being just so New is amazing. I can’t think why we didn’t do this before. I mean, it’s the obvious answer to all Britain’s problems isn’t it? And it was so easy — Dave just said it’s all New, and it was New!! I thought it was important to celebrate by spending the weekend shopping for New outfits to express my own individual sense of Newness. And I’ve had a New hairdo, as you can see! I took a picture of Chloe Smith to the hairdresser and I think you’ll agree the result is spooky. Although I must say, it’s taking a bit of getting used to. I get the feeling some people around here are a teensy bit jealous of my New Look, hence the rather childish comments. How sad.

Tuesday

Confused about our New Plans to take away tax credits from the middle classes. Thought the whole idea of married tax breaks etc was to redistribute wealth to the nice people we like. But Jed says the nice people we like will have to ‘get used to being squeezed til the organic Daylesford pips squeak’.

This sounds bit scary but I don’t intend to let it put me off Being New. Unlike some people, who are getting positively panic-stricken about it. DD went completely over the top, as usual, complaining about the lovely deal Jed’s wife got us with Google to look after NHS records. How rude and ungrateful. Especially after they threw in free in-house instant chat-messaging which even surgeons will be able to access mid-operation on their mobile phone so they can share fun stuff like videos of colleagues doing karaoke!

Speaking of people making fools of themselves, Speaker Bercow rings to say that rumours of him doing a secret deal with Harriet to stitch up MPs’ expenses reform are ‘despicable, treacherous, malevolent untruths’ and we better not repeat them until he’s announced it to the House in the proper fashion.