Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 1 May 2010

Monday

Hoorah! After our triumphant hung parliament noose broadcast we are planning an even more direct appeal to the British public to give Dave the majority he deserves. In our next public information film — entitled ‘Britain, beware stupidity!’ — we will argue that the Lib Dem surge is proof that Gordon has made the electorate thick as two short planks. Lack of decent education and dumbing down means we now have a nation of voters so daft they are thinking of choosing Nick Clegg. This just shows why we must get Gordon out of power. Gids will look directly into the camera with a grave, sorrowful expression and say: ‘Another five years of Labour and the people of this country will be so ignorant they might never vote for the Tories again.’ Genius huh! Meanwhile, we are pleased to see the talented Mr Clegg admitting that the only decent thing he can do on 7 May is to ensure Dave takes power. What a farsighted man of the people he turned out to be. You’ve got to hand it to him, he deserves to be Deputy Prime Minister with responsibility for seeing through voting reform.

Tuesday

The infidel Clegg must never get his hands on this great nation of ours! And to think he was trying to persuade us to change our world-renowned voting system. Well, the people of this country will never let him, no matter how daft they are. Even the really idiotic ones will be able to see through the sort of stinky traitor who starts off the week saying he’ll back Dave and a day later declares he would rather prop up a cockney Labour postman who doesn’t even want the job.