Monday
Bath plugs 25; scatter cushions 173; patio heaters 15; gazebos 3 (v bad).
I’ve made an official complaint to Nigel. They’re going to have to get me some help. I cannot man the Expenses Hotline on my own any longer and neither should I be expected to. It’s worse since they started sending in photocopies of claims for me to cross check. If I have to go through another ten-foot-long B&Q receipt looking for bath plugs and toothbrush holders I will scream. And how am I supposed to know if a garden heater is a legitimate expense? I suppose you could argue that an MP cannot be expected to catch a chill during essential family barbecues if he is to fulfil his obligations to voters properly, but I sense I’m on a sticky wicket. And what’s with the obsession with scatter cushions, and not v nice ones either? The suedette pink zebra-print ones sound disgusting. Everyone else in a stinky mood too because of our disappointing face time with Barack. V limited coverage and nothing about Michelle and Sam’s ground-breaking chat about Shiseido night cream. It ought to have been up there with the Bush-Blair Colgate exchange but for some reason no one picked up on it.
Tuesday
Jed read us the riot act this morning. We’re not pushing our expenses line hard enough. Despite Dave and Mr Pickles arguing incessantly for days that we must not have an inquiry as it will just hold things up and we need action now, it looks like an investigation will take place after all. This is v bad. I’ve got heaps of compelling reasons why we can’t have an inquiry on my desk and some of them make Jacqui Smith look thrifty. Two matching Great Danes and 34 trees for security purposes indeed! I didn’t even know you could buy pedigree dogs from John Lewis.
Wednesday
Lord A strutting about looking v pleased with himself. ‘They shouldn’t have annoyed me, should they Tamzin?’ I said I was sure I didn’t have the first clue what he was talking about. ‘Oh, come on! You know the game. Who’s sorry now, eh?’ I felt like saying we might be sorry if a certain set of ten pink, zebra-patterned scatter cushions and a £5,000 gazebo complete with ‘song birds in cages’ and ‘naked boy fountain effect’ come out. But thought it best to keep this one to myself for a while. No doubt he’s got it covered.
Thursday
Been totting up and I think I’ve got it down to £61,798 in total on garden heaters. This is much better than I had feared. Scatter cushions still looking dodgy. At last count well into six figures. However Great Danes and other household security-related livestock only £750. Not too bad at all.
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