Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 14 April 2007

Monday

Am going to get to the bottom of this Miliband unit if it’s the last thing I do. There’s something shifty about it, mark my words, although initial investigations are inconclusive. Kept eye on Poppy and James, and when they disappeared off to one of their ‘Special Meetings’ I followed them, crouching behind recycling bins — which, thankfully, are now located throughout the office at a distance of every four paces for the convenience of all staff and in the interests of future generations. They went into a room marked ‘Clearance Level Black Special’ (DD really takes this room-labelling business seriously). Stood outside for ages and couldn’t hear a thing. No talking. No papers rustling. Listened for half an hour, then gave up and went back to desk to finish my press release about Arnie! I can’t think of a pun that doesn’t involve terminating Gordon but have been told in no uncertain terms by Nigel that Mr Schwarzenegger’s appearance at conference is a serious political intervention. And anyway, he won’t ‘be back’, because the Jolly Green Giant only agreed to come after we told him Blackpool was ‘exactly like Las Vegas’, only more expensive (which is half true).

Tuesday

Gids back from hols, and v upset about the Bullingdon business. I’m not surprised. The bar was set so high by Dave’s Bullers photo, and what with widespread comparisons to Spandau Ballet and other New Romantic heart-throbs, it was always going to be difficult for George. Even so, Frodo Baggins is a bit cruel! We shouldn’t have pinned lookalike pics on walls. He’s taken it v badly. After particularly squeaky meeting with Jed it’s been agreed that we draft a statement denying he ever rolled anyone down a hill in a Portaloo.