MONDAY
Leaked email trails — 1 (v bad); imploring phonecalls to Dave’s office pretending will have nervous breakdown if sacked — 15 (seems to have worked!); hooded tops delivered to office — 135 (think we’ve struck a chord. Plus some of them are really smart. Am wearing one now, as a matter of fact. It says ‘enta da getto’. Think it’s Italian).
Best news is I found the separate bundle of Dave’s responses and burned them in ritualistic anti-leaking ceremony. So no one will ever know what he said about Theresa and Mr Maude (which is just as well because it doesn’t have much to do with our new doctrine of loving everyone).
Considering I nearly brought party to its knees, everyone being v nice to me. Poppy says they must be terrified as I now have copies of the emails which didn’t get out. She said, ‘Tell me you’ve taken copies?!’ Thought about pile of ashes in Sesame’s paddock and felt a bit sick.
Nigel let me do all the ‘hug-a-hoodie’ briefing. Think I went bit far telling one paper Dave used to be a hoodie. (We mocked up a picture of him at Eton with an Adidas tracksuit over his head.)
DD rings. I’m to bear in mind that when we say ‘hug’ what we actually mean is ‘place in a restraining arm lock until the police arrive’. Not sure this is right.
TUESDAY
Horrendous panic. Julian has it confirmed that David Miliband is getting a wind turbine. Jed says this is declaration of war.
Everyone taken off crime duties and put on lodging objections with Camden council. We have to hold it up long enough for Dave’s to be approved by K&C first. Jed stands on desk and says, ‘Make no mistake, this is a battle between the forces of good and evil …it is everything we’ve been training for …our values are being tested …we must not falter now.’ Nigel says he’s been at the special reserve Java again.
WEDNESDAY
Excellent brain-storming session to decide who else we can love now that the old Tory war on criminals is over. Nigel suggests armed robbers — ‘they’re just people trying to get ahead’.
Poppy says the hugging speech is v clever, a velvet glove which will eventually deliver huge punch. This is what Dave told Mr Redwood. Apparently he stopped the Right going ballistic by promising them there was a deeply coded subtext. Mr Leigh and Mr Hayes scoured the text for hours, then played a video of Dave delivering the speech backwards to see whether he was actually saying ‘String ’em up!’. They’re still looking, and have called in recording experts.
THURSDAY
August planning meeting. Jed has big plans for Dave during summer hols. Wants him to grow a goatee and be photographed by paparazzi walking around hip location such as Goa carrying at least one child in a papoose. Says we need to get cracking, researching the latest baby carriers and swimming trunks, etc. Key question: what is Hugh Grant wearing this season? Midway thru, Sam calls to say a gang of youths have put a brick through the nanny’s car window. Dave runs out of room like Incredible Hulk, shirt buttons popping. Says he’s going to ‘kill them’. Is this all part of the strategy?
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