Monday
This is just silly. Why won’t anyone tell me what Dave didn’t have? I only asked if it wasn’t a verruca but Poppy got v cross and said: ‘Dave does not not have a verruca!’ in a really aggressive way. ‘Well, what wasn’t it then?’ I asked. ‘He didn’t not have athlete’s foot did he?’ Thought this was reasonable question but was locked in Austerity Room for three hours before Jed ordered my release. By then they’d had all the exciting briefings, including the one about boot polish I was so looking forward to. Why do they always keep this sort of stuff from me? I can cope with the rough end of politics, warts and all. Everyone still v upset. Frances wants to show Gordon how ‘fragile’ she is by confronting him in members’ lobby after PMQs and demanding an apology to his face, possibly with Jeremy Kyle in tow. Jed says that while the idea has popular appeal he does not think it would strike the right tone. We are maintaining the Moral High Ground at all costs.
Tuesday
Huge notice on wall of HQ: ‘Have you been the victim of a McBride briefing? If so, you may be entitled to substantial air time. But don’t take it from us. Nadine Dorries, a backbencher, says: “I’ve been on Sky and News 24 today and it’s only 10 a.m. And wearing trendy Ugg boots too!” If you think you may have been McPoisoned, contact the Smeargate team immediately for an information pack about how to proceed.’ Racked brains but can’t think of anything. Unless… I always wondered how the judging panel at Wibberley Working Hunter Trials found out about Sesame not having an up-to-date passport. Could it be?! If so, it would be a spectacular waste of taxpayers’ money, going through Defra records to get at me. Am going to report it. This could be just the sort of thing to keep the story going another day.
Wednesday
Moral High Ground memo from Jed: ‘To be clear — no muck-raking, dirt-digging or rumour-mongering of any kind. Unless about Jacqui Smith, obviously. Or for urgent marginal seats strategic reasons (see Lord A). We will win this election purely on our policies or lack of them.’ Spent the afternoon erasing files. Probably over-cautious but I don’t think it would be helpful if anyone found the plans Poppy and I drew up for a gossip blog called BlueMurder.com. Nerves still frayed. Gary all over the shop fretting about boot polish. ‘There’s still a picture out there, you know! Or — allegedly — you know. Gah!’ I don’t know why he worries. I’ve seen some odd photos of Gids in my time and this one doesn’t sound like much to me. Can’t be worse than the one of him and his chums having an Oxford v. Cambridge Portaloo race down the Thames.
Thursday
Wonky Tom says Moral High Ground getting boring. ‘It’s like shooting fish in a barrel now. And once we’ve shot all the fish what then?’ He says we need to lay off Gordon because if we hurt him any more we’ll end up with the Milibanana or his brother from Sesame Street. Not that we’re afraid of Big Bird or the Banana Man. Heavens no. It’s just that we’ll have to change everything, rewrite strategy, dump all the great stuff we’ve got on Gordon and dig back into all those records about… oops no! We’re not doing that any more. This is going to take a bit of getting used to….
Comments