Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 20 February 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

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Helping Wonky Tom put finishing touches to our exciting plans for Tessa-Jowell-style-John-Lewis-style public services. (Possibly that’s too many hyphens. We may have to drop the Jowell bit. She won’t mind, she’s pleased as punch we’re using her idea.) It will be a revolution, handing Power To The People on a scale never before envisaged. Within months of a Tory victory millions of workers all over Britain will be sacking their bosses and awarding themselves huge pay rises!! Hooray!! It’s about time things stopped being so top-down in this country! Am off to unpack the new campaign literature. We’ve got Dave mugs, Dave scarves, Dave T-shirts, Dave umbrellas, Dave bumper stickers (for bicycles and electric cars only) and full-sized Dave cardboard cut-outs! Of course, it has been made clear that candidates are perfectly at liberty to put their own faces on leaflets if they like, so long as they don’t mind not winning.


Following Our Leader’s v moving Letter to Sun Readers, revealing for the first time that we will recognise specifically only ‘loving families’ in the tax system, a lot of people are asking how exactly this will be assessed. I can confirm that IDS has proper scientific methods for this sort of thing. His award-winning Centre for Fallen Women and Paupers has access to all the latest technological advances and can even measure the size of children’s brains. Apparently if they have a small one it means their mother isn’t married. So clever. Captain Smithy can’t show us the precise research involved as it runs to several thousand pages and would crash the email system. But he says we’re not to worry. It’s all above board and totally legit.


How perfectly hateful of Labour to accuse us of hacking into their stinky Twitter accounts. Yes, Gary has been helping me to broaden the remit of my Twitter Monitoring Unit. And yes, we might have had a quick look at what Labour MPs are up to. But the idea that we would intentionally insert the words ‘scum sucking’ is beyond offensive. As Gary says: ‘Those ******-******* Labour ***** are asking for it this time!” I seem to be getting the blame for everything at the minute. Poppy’s told everyone it’s my fault we claimed that half of all teenage girls are pregnant. Just because there’s a decimal point in the wrong place doesn’t necessarily mean it’s down to me, you know. In any case, I told Mr Gove I couldn’t make head nor tail of IDS’s funny figures.


Mrs J rings for a chinwag. Says she’s got lots of other ideas she can’t get into the Labour manifesto if we fancy taking a look at them. She really is terribly nice, not at all like one of Them. She calls me ‘sweetie’, which is more than I get round here most of the time. Pastor Tim called me a ‘wanton Jezebel’ this morning because I edited his Twitter on all-women shortlists. He said I had defiled the words of a righteous servant of the Lord and if I didn’t put them back up immediately I would burn in hell for all eternity. All I can say is — oops. I don’t know how to un-edit things so I’ll take my chances. I’m pretty sure God’s on Dave’s side in the matter of candidate selections.