Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 22 May 2010

Monday

I finally got the call! I hadn’t been left behind, they’d just forgotten to tell me I was hired until they realised there weren’t any pot plants. I’m pleased as punch to have my old job of Ambience Management back. I don’t mind if Poppy is Chief-of-staff-to-the-chief-of-staff. I wouldn’t want the responsibility. You know, for sorting out The Mess. It’s horrific. You should see the note left in the upstairs flat: ‘Dear David and Samantha, The cooker’s on the blink and the fridge only works if you wedge something heavy against it. We found the Red Book worked well. Good luck, Gordon and Sarah. PS. Don’t use the microwave to do potatoes, it blows them up.’ It doesn’t matter because we’re going for a complete re-fit. We’re got Villeroy and Boch coming round this afternoon. Dave says we need to invest in this vital part of the nation’s infrastructure. We’re all in this together! 

Tuesday

I wish Dave wouldn’t keep forgetting he’s PM. It’s embarrassing. The Cabinet Secretary brought him a précis of his capital gains tax announcement just now and he shouted: ‘More Labour tax rises! Brown is ruining this country!’ I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it soon. Hugely honoured to be called into meeting in ‘the horseshoe’ — that’s a big room with desks in a semi-circle — to discuss The Crisis: How to make Dave look better than Nick when they’re together. Ideas include: a) Dave putting on weight so he’s bigger; b) Giving Mr Clegg so much work he looks worn out and pasty. Gary, our director of comms, is in a temper already. Says the whole Jedward thing is out of hand. ‘They’re starting to finish each other’s sentences for f***’s sake.’ It doesn’t help that more people are referring to the Cleggeroons than the Camercleggs and that the coalition is being called the ConDems.