Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody | 22 May 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

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I finally got the call! I hadn’t been left behind, they’d just forgotten to tell me I was hired until they realised there weren’t any pot plants. I’m pleased as punch to have my old job of Ambience Management back. I don’t mind if Poppy is Chief-of-staff-to-the-chief-of-staff. I wouldn’t want the responsibility. You know, for sorting out The Mess. It’s horrific. You should see the note left in the upstairs flat: ‘Dear David and Samantha, The cooker’s on the blink and the fridge only works if you wedge something heavy against it. We found the Red Book worked well. Good luck, Gordon and Sarah. PS. Don’t use the microwave to do potatoes, it blows them up.’ It doesn’t matter because we’re going for a complete re-fit. We’re got Villeroy and Boch coming round this afternoon. Dave says we need to invest in this vital part of the nation’s infrastructure. We’re all in this together! 


I wish Dave wouldn’t keep forgetting he’s PM. It’s embarrassing. The Cabinet Secretary brought him a précis of his capital gains tax announcement just now and he shouted: ‘More Labour tax rises! Brown is ruining this country!’ I’m sure he’ll get the hang of it soon. Hugely honoured to be called into meeting in ‘the horseshoe’ — that’s a big room with desks in a semi-circle — to discuss The Crisis: How to make Dave look better than Nick when they’re together. Ideas include: a) Dave putting on weight so he’s bigger; b) Giving Mr Clegg so much work he looks worn out and pasty. Gary, our director of comms, is in a temper already. Says the whole Jedward thing is out of hand. ‘They’re starting to finish each other’s sentences for f***’s sake.’ It doesn’t help that more people are referring to the Cleggeroons than the Camercleggs and that the coalition is being called the ConDems. Or that the Libs are putting it about that they’re only doing it until they get their tax plans through and then they’re going to pull the plug and join Labour and destroy us forever. Not v nice is it? 


Panicked called from the Home Office. Mrs May is trying to take a decision. She’s been at it all morning and now civil servants are tearing their hair out. This was not meant to happen. The whole point of putting Mrs May in there was precisely to prevent any misguided attempt to actually do something. Lots of rightwing casualties of the reshuffle kicking up a fuss. Not to mention DD on dark ops. How tiresome. We have to be grown up about this. I mean, I didn’t get the desk I wanted, next to the door leading to the room next to Dave’s office, but do you hear me complain? No. I’m so excited I keep having little fainting fits. Every time a secret service guy walks past my fingers and feet start tingling, my head starts buzzing and I pass out. 


Just found Mr Clegg outside the loo. He was v rude. When I asked if he needed anything he snapped: ‘I’m waiting for Dave.’ Then Dave came out and Nick said ‘After you Dave,’ and Dave said ‘No, after you Nick,’ and they couldn’t seem to decide who would walk off first. I left them to it. They looked like they could be at it all day.