Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 23 January 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

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A quick straw poll of the office confirms that only three of us would be clever enough to be a teacher under Dave’s new plans. This shows just how ambitious and brilliant they are! Wonky Tom would qualify, but says he would rather eat his own head than go near a roomful of screaming, obese delinquents with ADD (bit harsh). So basically, if you think about it, what we need is for thousands of very clever people who want a really horrible job that doesn’t pay much to come forward for the sake of their country’s future. Some sort of poster campaign might be in order, perhaps featuring a huge picture of our maths tsar Carole Vorderman warning kids to study hard or they’ll end up like her, with a stinky old third and only able to work on daytime TV quiz shows. Just thought — Dave could be a teacher! Didn’t he get a first? Must suggest this as brilliant Be The Change proposal!!


Can’t believe people are really debating who is the party of the middle classes. As if there were really any competition! Gordon can promise to help people get a bigger house and a flash holiday all he wants but only the Conservatives understand that the hardworking mainstream majority don’t want a bigger house, or a holiday, or indeed anything to do with worldly rewards. What they really want is to usher in a new age of social responsibility.

Working late tonight on PMQs jokes then going for a drink with the crazy crowd from Gids’s office. Boy, do those guys know how to party! It’s two for one at the Millbank Tavern and girls drink free after midnight — hooray! Er, I mean, the sooner we put a stop to this late-night binge-drinking culture the better. But while it’s there, I might as well just pop down and do a bit of research...


What a night! And not at all hungover. Drank plenty of water, as per Mr Grayling’s binge-drinking guidelines, and feel as right as rain! Have vague memory of also using IDS’s draft pamphlet for schools — ‘How To Say No To Sex’ — although can’t quite remember why, or should I say, who. All in all, our new social policies came in v handy.

Off to PMQs to watch Dave trounce Gordon with his new improved jokes...

4pm Blaargh. Think was still drunk earlier. Hangover only now kicking in. Gids’s lot still look bright-eyed and sharp as anything. Wonder what their secret is? No doubt they drank more water than me. Damn.


V exciting memo from Nigel: anyone having doubts about policies unveiled during The Year for Change to be sent, free of charge, on one of Jed’s ‘re-education’ courses!

Apparently he’s offering all those who question the wisdom of The Leader the opportunity to re-examine their thinking in controlled conditions during special away-days held in luxurious secure locations. No one knows quite what goes on there, but it must be v effective. They sent Nancy Mogg on one. She went in with a fag hanging out of her mouth, swearing and shouting about tax cuts and came out with a serene smile on her face and sounding like a cross between Justine Greening and Julie Andrews. Must be such a blessed relief for her. Wonder if they could do anything for poor Boris?