Tamzin Lightwater

Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 29 May 2010

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

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Frantic Queen’s Speech rewrites. We’re having to take out references to ‘Dave’ and insert ‘my government’ — boring! I don’t see what’s wrong with ‘My Dave will build a Big Society where Britain is no longer broken, and chocolate oranges are kept well away from the cash tills at WH Smith.’ It didn’t help that the whole thing was leaked to the press, dropping us in it with the Palace who rang to ask ‘what sort of Mickey Mouse operation’ we were running. Not naming any sandal-wearing lefties, but we’ve decided on someone we’ll be blaming for this and all subsequent leaks. So he’d better keep up the ballroom dancing because he’s going to have a lot of time on his hands once we’ve finished slashing his department to ribbons. Still, at least we’ve managed to cut £6.2 billion from the deficit. Only another £149.8 billion to go!


Sam in a stinky mood. ‘Do you want me to turn up in me glad rags or is he just gonna ponce about wiv Nick?’ Then it fell to me to do morning Tie Calls. Mr Clegg’s negotiator rang at 9 a.m. sharp and outrageously claimed it was his turn to chose first. I said it was no such thing. ‘Dave gets to chose on Queen’s Speech day. It’s in the agreement. And he wants duck egg blue.’ ‘But Nick wants duck egg blue today.’ No, no, no, I said. Dave gets duck egg blue on Queen’s Speech day. Schedule 4.3.’ In the end I had to consult the PM who took time out from his daily call to Mrs Merkel to shout through the door: ‘Fine. Tell him he can have blue. And tell him to enjoy the State Opening because I won’t be there. Deal’s off.’ Of course the silly Lib backed down straightaway. I love it when Dave’s vindictive and petulant. After that it went off fine. And Mr Clegg looked v handsome in his bright orange tie. Not.


Gids wants us to stop people calling him and Mr Laws ‘Osborne and Little’. Gary said he didn’t know why he was complaining: ‘It’s millions of pounds’ worth of free advertising you daft sod.’ Gids admitted that sales were up 35 per cent on the Salon Velvets upholstery range, while Teatro Chenille sofa covering had sold out at all stockists since the last Treasury press conference. But that was no consolation and he didn’t need the money. Lucky him! I’m skint. I had to borrow a Chanel blazer from Mummy today. What with all these wage cuts I can’t afford to buy the clothes I need to get me in and out of Number 10 without wearing the same outfit two days in a row, which would be disrespectful to the British people. Also, am having to compete with Mr Clegg’s girl, who is getting far more photos in the papers than I am. This could be war. (Gary says I can’t say that cos she’s German but I don’t care. She’s blonde, and she’s in my camera shot.)


Emergency meeting to discuss containment strategy. Now our 1922 coup has failed, no one has the slightest idea how we are going to stifle debate, I mean keep order. Jed says we should tell MPs that if they don’t back Dave. we’ll scrap their seats. But Dave is worried this might be undemocratic. He does fret so. Am off for a long weekend in the country. Someone has got to keep in touch with the grass-roots!