Diary of a Notting Hill nobody | 30 January 2010

Monday

Mr Maude is ecstatic. ‘A hung parliament! I told you so! People hate us!’ Dave v grumpy: ‘Speak for yourself.’ Quietly though, I think he is a bit worried that not as many people love him as unconditionally and totally as previously thought. It’s not the polls, exactly. It’s more to do with That Poster. There’s one in Brixton, for example, with a huge amount of mud mysteriously spattered all over it. Of course, it could easily have been a bus going through a puddle. But Dave is convinced it was hoodies. I think he could have put up with having mud slung at him by any other social group. But underprivileged youths from broken homes are just too much. Do they not know how much he understands them? We are considering whether we can get the ad agency to take them down a bit earlier, just to be on the safe side. We don’t want to risk a tomato in the eye in somewhere like Wolverhampton.

Tuesday

Mr Maude on verge of hysteria. ‘Even if we win a majority, we’ll have barely enough MPs to govern! We will be at the mercy of the swivel-eyes!’ Then he pointed into the middle distance and wailed: ‘I can see them now, they’re taking away gay people’s rights, aaaagh…’ We had to put him in the Austerity Room with Little Al Duncan, who is still stamping his feet and squealing about prisons being ‘horrid’. He says all criminals must be assigned a homeopathic masseur. Dave wants to know how we ended up with a shadow prisons minister who doesn’t believe in prison. After a lot of swearing Jed said, ‘Because we had to find a job for someone you wouldn’t sack, remember?’ I don’t like the way he speaks to Dave sometimes.