Monday
So exciting! Lots of lovely poor people on our new A-list!! We were a bit worried at first about making the only requirement that applicants should have, at the time of writing and to the best of their knowledge, no association whether in person or through close relatives to moats, tennis courts, swimming pools, duck ponds or servants’ quarters. (Crucially, nothing about stable blocks so yours truly is still in with a chance!) But we’ve been deluged. We’ve got a couple of people who claim to live in terraced housing in the north of England and a woman in a genuine inner-city tower block! Urgent memo from Jed: ‘We wish to make clear that when Dave called for a recall system to get rid of all MPs found guilty of expenses crimes he did not mean immediately, or indeed at all, necessarily. Clearly there may be occasions when a very senior Conservative has made a genuinely innocent oversight to do with his, for example, mortgage repayment arrangements which would be entirely understandable and we would all back him unreservedly and allow him to move on and forget all about it for the good of the country.’ Well, quite.
Tuesday
Why oh why do people persist in ringing in to complain about our EU referendum policy? I don’t see how we could be any clearer. Mr Hague has gone to exhaustive lengths to explain what he means when he says he can’t say whether or not he will say what he means when he says he can’t say what we will do if the Lisbon Treaty passes into law before we get into government, or not. To recap from the briefing notes: ‘“We will not let matters rest there” is a hypothetical holding answer to the hypothetical question of whether or not we will do something about a situation in the future we want to prevent happening in the first place and as such we can only answer a question pertaining to the opposite turning out to be the case because to do otherwise would be to elaborate on the unknowable.’ If people still want to vote Ukip after hearing that, frankly, there’s nothing we can do to stop them.
Wednesday
Dave in stinky mood. He’s sent round a bad-tempered memo telling us we’re going to do worse than the ‘fruit fakes, goons and closet taxists’. This is v. bad. He only stabs at the keys and types the wrong letters when he’s really angry. Must say, it’s strange to be down in the polls and not have Mr Maude around to gloat. He’s on the list of Banned Persons, along with Mr Mackay and Mr Howard. The more borderline cases are in the Austerity Room sifting through detailed manifesto policy submissions until further notice. Mr Gove, Mr Willetts and Mr Letwin have been in there for a week having the most terrible row about Banding versus Streaming and making strange high-pitched noises Nigel says only bats can hear properly.
Thursday
Have been taken off De-moatification Strategy and put to work in the Alan Johnson Unit. Not terribly challenging. Option one: Dave to become more mockney. Option two: Dave to become less mockney.
Least of our worries really. Dave now becoming totally weird about prospect of doing badly in the Euros. Sent round a memo telling us voters are ‘just jealous’ of his forthcoming big majority. Jed says we might have to put him in the Tranquillity Room. There’s a first time for everything.
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