Good afternoon my friends and fellow ConHomers. It is great to be here in Birmingham where so many thoroughfares in the city are already named after our superb Conservative mayor. I know this conference is going to be a staggering success because just in the last couple of days about a dozen far left Momentum activists have kindly pledged their loyalty by ringing my private mobile phone. I put them straight on to Brandon.
As Paul Goodman might confirm, I am not naturally of a timid disposition. It is not my way to confide my innermost fears. But since this is only a fringe meeting, unlikely to be widely reported, I will reveal that I have one overriding anxiety about the current political scene, both domestic and international. It isn’t global warming or terrorism or Rouhani’s Iran or Putin’s Russia – real though all those challenges are. It’s not the negotiating tactics of Jean-Claude Juncker – before or after lunch.

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