Many of you will be waiting, with much excitement, for the Great Lammy Firewall, which will be introduced by our new Labour government just as soon as they’ve nationalised the internet. Free broadband for everyone, except for those reactionaries who contravene one of 756 stipulations written in the inevitable community code of conduct agreements (i.e. most of the people who pay for this stuff through their taxes). That’s me offline, then — and, after a while, probably you too. Imaginary hate crimes will see you sent to the Lammy Sin Bin or, if they’re considered serious enough, the thought police will be round with their black plastic bags and BBC camera crew.
You think I’m joking? I am not joking. A Labour government in charge of the internet: people devoid of a sense of humour (humour is bourgeois, of course, according to Marcuse) or a sense of perspective, and driven by endlessly self-flagellating white liberal neurosis plus a raft of identity politics balls which will stop you doubting the brilliance of anyone with that magical thing, protected characteristics.
‘It will be just like China!’ I’ve heard perfectly decent libertarians lament, but they forget that for McDonnell and co this comparison is deeply pleasing. Mao may have murdered 30 million of his own people, but at least he was a Socialist who ran a tight ship — and John still carries his idiotic Little Red Book around with him. A book which, if memory serves me right, is a bit short on jokes.
I don’t know for sure that Lammy will be put in charge of the firewall, of the policing of us online, but it will surely be some doctrinaire halfwit with the IQ of a bowl of Khmer labour camp rice porridge.
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